


Can You Really Call This A Fanfic, I Didn't Get Boned By A Skeleton Or Anything

by ExitFatmus



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Divergence?, Combat pragmatism, Darn kids knowing more than they should, Honesty Enforcement, Meta, Other, POV First Person, Self-insert has no internal filter, Seriously you shouldn't be here if you want to avoid game spoilers for this babe, Spoilers, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 19:20:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6579166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExitFatmus/pseuds/ExitFatmus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hero breaks the barrier, and the monsters go to the surface. Yeah, you've seen that before. And like fifty fanfictions about what happens after it.</p>
<p>But what if the game of Undertale already existed on the surface? A lot of important secrets could no longer be kept secret, with... awkward results. Not to mention the wide variety of fan-created nonsense and possible inaccuracies that could come with it.</p>
<p>All things considered, maybe the crew should hold back and prepare rather than rushing straight to the surface... especially if the first surface human is a friendly but cynical fanboy afraid of what might happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Greetings.

**Author's Note:**

> Have some self-indulgent meta bullshit. My favorite!
> 
> First time trying to put something on AO3, so yell at me if I messed up anything.

It was supposed to be a typical day of housesitting. I was just supposed to step outside to dump some corn on the ground for the deer. I was supposed to just go back inside and go back to goofing around on the internet.

I was NOT supposed to hear laughter coming from the trail to the gravel pit, source obscured by overgrown pine trees. I was not supposed to walk over to investigate. I was not supposed to almost walk into a giggling kid in a blue-and-purpleish striped shirt.

And when a woman's voice called, "Get back here, nerd!" I should not have looked over to see a shockingly familiar fish-lady racing up the path alongside a large-jawed skeleton with a scarf and a Starman top.

Oh, no. Oh no no no no.

"FRISK!" the skeleton shouted in a loud and rasping voice, eyesockets wide with delight, "IS THAT....?"

Oh no. 

Papyrus let out a small cry of delight, small stars appearing in his eyes, looking down at the kid. "DID YOU LEAD US TO A GREAT NEW HUMAN FRIEND?! WITH A SPECIAL HUMAN GREETING?!"

"Um," I managed to stammer. How?! How did this... Undertale isn't real, right? I must be dreaming or something!

He stretched up to his full height – about my own 5 foot 7-ish, really – and posed with a hand on his chest. "WORRY NOT, DEAR HUMAN! THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL GREET YOU BY YOUR OWN CUSTOMS!"

And with that, Papyrus flung himself forward with a childish giggle, much like Frisk had 'greeted' me with.

The resulting bone-bodyslam knocked me clear on my ass, hurting enough to convince me that, no, I was not dreaming. And probably not hallucinating. Shit.

And that meant...

"HUMAN FRIEND..." Papyrus said from above, "YOU DO NOT SEEM AS SWIFT AS FRISK! I SHALL NEED TO TRAIN YOU LATER!!"

My chest started shaking from repressed laughter. This made no sense.

"Now, now, Papyrus," a very deep called from a little further down the path, "I think the new human is simply surprised. Perhaps they would prefer a handshake?"

And there's Asgore. Reaching down with a furry hand and smiling around that nonsense beard.

"Pfght... AHAHAHAHA!" It was too much. I just... started laughing hysterically, covering my face with one hand and pounding my other fist on the grass. Oh, I must have looked so crazy. And rude.

But come ON! There aren't even any mountains nearby! I'm in the continental US! How the HELL did the Undertale crew end up HERE before turning world politics and the internet into a hellstorm?!

"Ah... perhaps not?" the King continued, pulling back slightly.

I wheezed a little. Holy shit, they weren't gonna be able to leave out the part about Asgore killing kids, are they? Toriel's gonna give him so much shit. And Gerson was right all along!

"Hmph." I managed to look up long enough to see that Undyne was not pleased by my hysterics, squinting down from beside Asgore with her good eye. "You tryin' to pick a fight, punk?"

"N-no," I managed to stammer, waving a hand vaguely, "J-just... gimme a minute... hyahaha!"

Oh man. And Undyne picking a fight? People already know they just need killing intent to beat a monster! She'll be dust as soon as some jackass decides to pick on Alphys! Well, sludge, more like. Determination is a helluva drug. Not that they'd know that in this timeline!

"PSST! FRISK!" Papyrus called to the human beside him in essentially a stage whisper, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. ARE HANDSHAKES... FUNNY?? I THOUGHT SANS' WHOOPEE CUSHION WAS THE JOKE!!!"

"Haha... haaa..."

Ohhh, and Sans is... going to have a reason to kill me for doing a Genocide run. Shit. THAT sobered me up, at least. The helpless laughter trailed off, and I sat up. "I'm pretty sure it's the whoopee cushion, Papyrus. I just... laugh when I'm confused."

"OH!" Guess Papyrus understood. Except then he went on with the stage whisper, "PSST! FRISK, DO HUMANS FIND CONFUSION FUNNY??"

I was about to give the skeleton another retort, but stopped at the sight of another furry hand reaching down for me, accompanied by a surprisingly deep but motherly voice. "Young one, are you alright?"

Of course Toriel would be on the opposite side from Asgore. Asking with such quiet concern that I had to seriously consider how to answer her question: I mean... magic being real would be cool and all, but from what I've seen from the game and fanon surrounding it... things could go very badly. I'm... not sure I want to be caught up in that, but it looks like I'm the first human they've seen on the surface, so...

"Young one?" Toriel asked again.

"Uh. I... don't know." I answered honestly, but took her hand and let her help me to my feet.

Toriel pursed her lips (which looked WEIRD on someone with a snout) and gave Papyrus a stern look. "Then perhaps we should be more careful about roughhousing, hm?"

I could just imagine the nervously-sweating skeleton head from the game as Papyrus responded, "S-SORRY, YOUR HIGHNESS." A harsher squint from Toriel made him correct that to, "M-MISS TORIEL!"

I laughed weakly. "Ha haaa... that's not really the part I'm worried about..."

I really didn't want to be on the frontlines of monster integration. I am NOT a good candidate for that kind of tact or diplomacy. I'd rather just stay at home and watch from the sidelines, especially with my tactless outbursts.

And yet...

A low, good-natured rumble brought attention back to Asgore, who was chuckling at my plight. "It is all right, human. It has been a long time since monsters have been on the surface, correct?" He turned to look at the two-story house I'd come out of. "Perhaps we should go into your house and discuss this over tea?"

Really, the most self-interested option for me would be to turn them away, let them find someone else to be the first official human contact, and avoid being a part of this fiasco - at least until the dust settles. Figuratively or literally.

And yet I just can't let these guys keep going without knowing what they're getting into.

I took a deep breath. "Right. Yes. Tea. I'm afraid we don't have much of a selection, let alone any golden flower tea. Your favorite, right?"

Asgore stared at me, wide eyes blinking once slowly. "Golly. Is it popular with humans on the surface, too?"

"Uh. No, not really. As far as I'm aware. That's kind of where the story gets weird."

I looked over the lineup while I tried to think of the best way to try and explain. Toriel and Papyrus were on the right, in front of a curious Frisk, while Asgore and Undyne watched more carefully on the left, guarding Alphys and -

I blinked at her. "Wait, Alphys is here?" I thought the quote was her staying at home to watch anime like a loser...?

Labcoat lizardgirl visibly jumped at the mention of her name, and Undyne stepped in front of her protectively to glare at me. Well, I fucked up.

"Young one. Please explain." Toriel's voice was sweet, but terse enough to be a threat. Even if Asgore completely missed the implication of me knowing more than I should, she hadn't.

"Uh, well... does the word 'Undertale' mean anything to any of you?"

I wasn't sure if I was expecting a response from that, but Papyrus definitely lit up at the mention. "OH! OH!" he cried, waving a hand in the air like an enthusiastic teacher's pet, "THAT'S THE SUBTITLE FOR METTATON'S NEXT GAME!!"

... interesting, but makes some sense. It DID appear in the bomb scene... "Really? Does it star Frisk?"

"ER... I DON'T KNOW?" Papyrus said, first embarrassed, then defiant: "THE GREAT PAPYRUS DOES NOT SEEK SPOILERS BEFORE PLAYING A GAME!!"

"That..." Hmm. That's an interesting thought. The game itself would be a better explanation than I could ever give, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be too difficult to clear away my save file for them... "That... actually sounds like a good idea, Papyrus. I'll try and stick to the short version, then."

Alright, game time. I stood up straight and clasped my hands behind my back. "Right. Undertale. The one on the surface is also a video game." I glanced down at Frisk. "It stars a young human in a blue-and-purplish striped shirt that wakes up on a bed of golden flowers." I turned to Toriel's suspicious glare. "Turns out they've arrived in the 'ruins' in a world of monsters, cautioned from going further by a motherly goat-like monster named Toriel."

"Goat-like?" Toriel pursed her lips again, annoyed.

I shrugged. "Blame the horns." Better than being called satanic, anyway.

"HMMM. A YOUNG HUMAN IN A STRIPED SHIRT..." Papyrus mused, a hand on his chin, "AHA! SO YOU WERE GIVING A HINT ABOUT IT BEING FRISK'S ADVENTURE, THEN?!"

I had to chuckle at Papyrus' enthusiasm. "Yes, Papyrus. In fact, the next stop in the game is actually the forests around Snowdin, with Sans' whoopie cushion greeting and your spaghetti and puzzle antics."

... where the hell is Sans, anyway? He should probably be hearing this, come to think of it. Oops.

Papyrus, however, was already jumping for joy, nearly kicking Frisk in the process. "WOWIE!! AT LAST, THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL BE AS POPULAR AS I TRULY DESERVE!!"

"To put it lightly, yeah." I muttered, distracted by the thought of Sans. Well, where WOULD he be? As the monster spymaster, either he was already investigating on his own, already knew because time travel awareness, or... had teleported right behind me.

So, I spun around to see that there was no skeleton behind me. Okay, fine, turn again and maybe now he'll show up where I was originally looking..? Nope. Lazy fucker.

"HEY!" Undyne barked, "NO SUDDEN MOVES, PUNK!"

A furry Asgore hand restrained the - yikes - the arm holding a ghostly-blue energy spear, pulled back and ready to chuck at me. "Do not, Undyne. New human, were you looking for something?"

I stared for a moment as Undyne growled and dismissed the spear, still glaring. I'm gonna have to be more careful with her. "Uh. Er, yes. I was worried about Sans." He's not going to be happy about this, for a number of reasons. Then again, he might want the even more abridged version, or to just see it for himself...?

There was a curious clattering of bones as Papyrus sighed and shook his... head? Skull? with his hands on his hips. "MY LAZYBONES BROTHER! OF COURSE HE WOULD MISS SUCH A JOYOUS EVENT WHILE SLACKING OFF! NYEH! I WILL HAVE TO REMIND HIM OF THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTENDANCE LATER!!"

Ah, that's one way to get around trying to convince Sans to show up. "Well, if he isn't gonna show, he might prefer hearing the story from his brother anyway."

"NYEH HEH HEH!! I AGREE, NEW HUMAN FRIEND! ER, WHAT IS THE STORY, AGAIN???"

"The story is that apparently the surface world already knows all about you guys because of a video game based on Frisk. Pretty popular one, at that. Upside is, you'll be rather famous and humans have reason to think you aren't really dangerous..."

I watched Asgore smile, then destroyed it with the bad news. "... downside is, no more secrets." Wait, that's not quite right. "Er... probably? I don't know exactly how accurate the game really is, honestly. But I think I can guess a few things that might have been useful to keep secret. For starters... it's a safe bet you needed seven human SOULs to get here, right?"

THAT got a reaction, mostly from the royals. Asgore's body sagged in despair, and Toriel... barked a short, derisive laugh before covering her mouth with her hands and shaking with repressed, sadistic mirth. Guess she was looking forward to Asgore's comeuppance, huh?

Undyne looked over at Toriel for a moment before glaring at me again. "Yeah? And whose fault is THAT?"

"Dead humans from from several thousand years ago, if the complete lack of historical hints about you guys is any indication. And, y'know, the surface not having any concrete evidence of SOULs or magic for at least as long." There's a LOT of confusing questions to ask on that front, for sure. 

"R-really?" Alphys' voice was deeper than I would have expected but the nasally undertone was pretty predictable, "T-the history books usually had a few m-magicians somewhere!"

"History books." I echoed, with a deadpan stare. The dinosaur cringed away, hiding behind Undyne again. Oops.

Fish-lady actually looked a little nervous, though. "Y-yeah! Whaddya mean, humans can't even cosplay Mew Mew right?!"

Oh. Of COURSE that's what she'd be worried about. Did Frisk tell her anime was real? I looked over to glare at the little brat, but they were just hiding behind Toriel... wait, there's a text from Toriel in the epilogue about clearing up the anime thing with Undyne anyway. Guess ToughFish is still adjusting to this cruel reality.

"HAH!" Undyne barked triumphantly, "See?! You just wanna hide them, don't you?!" Apparently my silence was an admission of guilt.

Ugh. Still suspicious of humans, I see. "No, Undyne. Believe me, if I'd had any reason to believe magic was real before this I would h--"

I was cut off by Asgore, of all people, clearing his throat. He... kinda looked like hell, now. Still carrying himself with a slouch of despair and sporting a pretty impressive set of kicked-puppy-dog-eyes, he mumbled an answer to Undyne: "Undyne. If there were still human magicians, they would have noticed the Barrier break. And they would have found us by now."

I was tempted to point out the possibility of even those mages needing to be in hiding now, but, uh... with the king looking THAT down, I was a little worried more about the whole 'endings where Asgore kills himself' deal.

Undyne also hesitated in her response. "... uh, you sure, Asgore? You look kinda..."

"Please don't do anything rash, Asgore." I added.

The king laughed weakly. "Rash decisions are what put me in this position, human. I knew that... eventually I would have to face the consequences of my actions." A heavy sigh. "I only wish it could have been after the other monsters were safe..."

That's not something I wanted to leave hanging. "I... wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet, Asgore." I glanced at Toriel. She already looked annoyed, but she probably wasn't going to like this. "There are humans that have done worse over less."

Undyne snorted, and Asgore sighed. "That does not forgive me for what I have done."

"It doesn't." I admitted, "But it does mean that you've got a fair argument for, at least, not getting killed for it."

All that got from him was a bitter laugh. Alright, suicidal tendencies confirmed. Maybe try getting strict?

"Asgore Dreemurr. Yeah, it's noble of you to take responsibility for killings done to protect your country." Lord knows human leaders don't. "But you can only afford to beat yourself up over it so much. Even if you can't forgive yourself, monsters still need their leader, right? If there's anyone that knows how to convince the monsters how to get through this safely, it's you."

... I couldn't help grinning wickedly as I came up with what felt like a clever reversal. "After all... you are the future of humans and monsters. Stay determined."

The looks of disbelief from the assembled monsters lasted just long enough for me to start feeling terrifyingly self-conscious before Asgore laughed again, now with some hint of humor. "Hoho... I suppose you're right, human. I... thank you."

Phew. Well, I guess if I'm worried about getting embarrassed instead of getting skewered that's a step in the right direction, at least.

"ERM..."

Oh. I'd forgotten Papyrus was here. I just ruined his innocence, didn't I? Fuck.

"YOUR HIGHNESS, WHAT DOES THE NEW HUMAN FRIEND MEAN BY... 'KILLINGS?'"

Toriel smirked a little in the resulting awkward silence. I let it drag on a bit, watching Papyrus' distraught expression - _how does he sweat HOW_ \- and wondering what to do. Looks like nobody wants to come clean with the skeleton saint, but I don't want to have more reasons to be on Sans' shit list...

Undyne to the rescue. "Dooon't worry about it, Papyrus! It's, uh, official business! Nothing you need to worry about, alright?!"

Then again, it's not like they're going to have a way to avoid this, in the long run. "You sure about that, Undyne?"

She glared at me again. "Punk, you gotta learn when to keep your mouth _shut_."

Hoo boy. Okay, tread carefully... "It's, uh, in the game, I'm afraid. As soon as the surface finds out about you guys, there's gonna be hundreds of people ready to tell Papyrus everything."

Her good eye narrowed. "Like you?"

Welp. I shifted my feet a little and tried to make the shrug disarming. "If you want me to? I mean... I think it'd be easier to just get it over with."

Undyne sneered. Goodness, those teeth are sharp. "And what if I don't believe you?"

Wait, what? "What?"

That cheered her up. "Fuhuhu! You think you can scare us with just THAT?!" Another glowing blue spear just... _appeared_ in one of her hands, soon gripped with the other as well. "Hah! I know what you humans can do! Why would you have a GAME about us?!"

Well, at least this time she's just holding the spear instead of preparing to chuck it at me. That said, how else would I know about... oh. Right. This is Undyne we're talking about.

"You think I'm a mind-reader."

"Hah HA!" she crowed, shaking her spear enthusiastically, "At least you're being honest, now!"

"Undyne, please." Asgore pleaded, a furry hand on her shoulder again. The spear vanished, but she looked awfully pleased with herself regardless.

But all I could really do is sigh and rub my forehead in exasperation. "No, Undyne, I'm not a mind-reader, or anything close to that. If I were I would have some idea what happened to your other eye, or why Frisk ended up in the Underground."

Thankfully, Undyne took that topic in stride, simply snorting and demanding, "Prove it."

"Fine." I pointed at the nearest door to the house, a small storm door at the top of a rickety small, cracked-blue-paint porch, "My computer's right inside there. Showing you guys the game would be easier than trying to explain everything, anyway."

"Behind your wall of TRAPS, right?!"

Goddamnit, Undyne. "No. And if you're that worried, I can just grab my laptop and..." ... I don't want to erase the file for my first True Pacifist ending on there, though... "... well, I'd rather you didn't play on there, but I can at least load up the trailer. Hopefully the wi-fi reaches out into the yard..."

She didn't have a good argument for that one. "... fine, but I'm keeping an eye on you."

I shrugged, laced my fingers against the back of my head, and replied, "Sure thing. Hell, bring Frisk along if you're worried about something only triggering against non-humans." Like, y'know, the four cats. ... wonder how animals and monsters relate.

I wasn't really expecting Toriel to speak up at that. "In that case, I wish to accompany you."

Huh. Guess she wants to threaten and/or interrogate me herself. "Er, okay."

She nodded, smiling, "One moment, please." then turned around, speaking quietly to Frisk. After a moment, she nodded and turned to Papyrus. "Papyrus, dear, could you watch Frisk for me?"

"OF COURSE, MISS YOUR HI--TORIEL!!" the skeleton cried, standing tall and putting a hand on his chestplate. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL NOT LET FRIEND FRISK AWAY FROM HIS EYESOCKETS!!!"

Ah. Or to keep Frisk out of harm's way. Works. "We good to go?"

"Yes, young one. Please, lead the way."


	2. It's me,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's work out some suspicions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned, any variety of feedback is appreciated.

"Yeah, sorry, the house wasn't sized for people with horns." I apologized as Toriel stooped to get through the back door to the house.

"It is no problem." she reassured me, looking around at the modestly-sized living room: A door immediately to the left upon entering, a couch-position futon just past that, and a disused standing-height sewing table between there and a closet door, with a clear line of sight into the laundry room. Just to the right of that, an opening into a small hall leading to the front door, the cat dishes, a plain white supply cabinet, curtains covering the right side of the room to hide other sewing supplies, the sorry remains of a long-abandoned home entertainment center, and finally, a small L-alcove of desks sporting a plain black laptop, an ancient laser printer, and widescreen monitor.

As well as, uh, various articles of clothing, pillows, used plastic cups, and Mountain Dew containers lying around. It's been worse, but Mom would probably still be upset at visitors coming in without the place looking immaculate.

Well, the parents are away for the week and I'm trying to welcome a whole new magical race to the planet, so she can just deal with it.

Though Toriel's frown at the discarded cans still made me cringe a little.

"And, uh, I'm not exactly at my tidiest." I muttered, sheepishly. "Guess I should clean up before playing the game, huh?"

"It may be for the best." Toriel agreed. I transferred an armful of discarded shirts from the futon to the laundry hamper nearby that I obviously never use when I'm supposed to.

"Nah, just looks lived-in." Undyne said, sounding... distracted? That's weird, she was the one that wanted to watch me like a hawk...

Oh. She's staring at the little shelf near the ceiling between the laundry room and the hall. At the handful of fifteen-year-old anime character plushies one of the sisters made.

This could be fun. "Something catch your eye, Undyne?"

She tore her gaze away and glared at me again. I was not as afraid as I should have been. "What's that nerdy crap up there, huh?"

"Some anime character plushies my sisters made a while ago. You recognize any of 'em?"

Sadly, she caught onto my teasing at that point, eye narrowing suspiciously. "... nice try, nerd. I got better taste than THAT!"

Not gonna be that easy, huh? I considered how to respond for a moment, and couldn't resist smirking before turning away to prod at my laptop.

But I did have a fair idea for how to keep teasing Undyne: "Shame. I was hoping to figure out your style so I could make suggestions."

Luckily, I had the laptop on already to operate as a jukebox, so all I really needed to do was close Firefox to clear the Youtube session, reopen it, and go to Undertale.com for the trailer.

"What kinda suggestions?"

"Anime, duh. I mean, Gurren Lagann sounds right up your alley and I know you and Alphys would both love Revolutionary Girl Utena, but..."

"Revolwhatsit?"

"Yeah, I probably mispronounced that. Please load..." The trailer cooperated, thankfully, so I paused it before it got too far in and put it back at 0:00 for proper viewing.

"And what was the other one?" Undyne asked. I glanced over to see just how... nervous she looked.

Heheh. "Gurren Lagann. Hotblooded giant mecha anime starring two guys trying to... heh, appropriately enough, break out of the Underground. A favorite of mine."

Do the impossible, indeed.

"Nerd, if you're just making this up..."

I raised my eyebrows at her. "Then I wouldn't have a set of DVDs in my room, would I?"

" _Where._ "

I fought down a laugh and stopped slouching over the laptop, gesturing at a bewildered-looking Toriel. "Right behind Toriel, actually." Having a room right by the back door would be kinda nice if I were an outdoors person, but for me it just means I get to let cats in at three AM and freeze whenever there's a draft in the winter.

"OUTTA THE WAY, WOMAN!" Undyne bellowed, lunging her way into my tiny sleep-space as soon as Toriel stepped aside.

THAT I couldn't help laughing at, but at least I managed to keep it quiet. "Heheh, maybe I shouldn't have riled her up..."

"Undyne?" Asgore called from outside, "Is everything all right?"

Toriel's face scrunched up unpleasantly at that, so I stepped in view of the back door and waved, calling back, "We're okay! Undyne's just excited about some anime DVDs!" It looked like Papyrus and Frisk were having a staring contest while Asgore and Alphys were standing under the bare branches of the long-dead birch tree in the backyard.

But Alphys straightened up a little at what I said and all but shrieked back, "ANIME DVDS?!"

Oh. That may have been a mistake. And there she is, waddling up to the porch steps with surprising speed, shyness and fear forgotten. "REALLY?!"

At the same time, a toned fish-arm shot between me and the doorway. "HOLD IT!" I took a small step back from the door, trying not to make any sudden movements. "Really, punk?" she hissed, "Dragging her into this while you're tryin' to bribe me?" 

Welp. Looks like Undyne was back in Royal Guard mode, and I no longer had the more-endearing pronoun of 'nerd.' At least she felt I was harmless enough to turn away from glaring at me to call out to Alphys, "It's alright, baby, just gotta be careful with humans!"

"Undyne."

Oh. That's an angry Toriel on the other side of me. This could be bad. Just shuffle backwards a little to get out of the line of fire...

"What? I didn't even use a spear this time!"

"That matters not. There is no need to be so hostile, when the young one has been nothing but helpful."

"You really call mocking me being HELPFUL?!"

Toriel was trying not to smirk at that, I could tell. "Well, I will not vouch for their tone, but it was quite clear that Alphys needed to be more honest with her interests, was it not?"

"Now you're doing it too!!"

Goatmom paused for a moment, laughed quietly, and shook her head. "No need to be such a... _mad-kerel_ , dear!"

Undyne groaned, quickly turning into an annoyed "NGYAAH! Damnit, you're as bad as Sans!"

"Language!"

"Stuff it, Frisk can't hear us from here, and this punk isn't a kid!" Undyne looked me over for a moment. "Uh, right?"

Well, that's not how I expected to get drawn back into the conversation. "Uh. No, I'm an adult. Though with humans you usually get that from how big they are, rather than whether they're wearing a striped shirt."

"That's stupid. What about the ones that don't grow?"

Ah, right. Midgets. Dwarfism, whichever's more appropriate. There's always exceptions, aren't there? "Rare enough to be the exception, not the rule. Although... no, there's body proportions too, and..." I stopped myself and shook my head. "Nevermind. It's a little early for a human biology lesson, anyway."

On the other hand... "Though... the military mind of the Monsters might find _that_ worthwhile..." That might be one way to convince Undyne I'm serious...

"What makes you think I'm gonna care about your nerdy crap?"

So I grinned manically, shrugged with a flourish, and lightly karate-chopped at one side of my neck, leaving the hand there: "The most reliable way to kill a human is to break their neck."

Toriel gasped, and Undyne's eye bulged in surprise. "What."

"There's the spine in the back that's necessary to really move any of the rest of your body, the windpipe in the front's the only way to get air in, and cutting off blood flow to the brain is--"

" _Young one!_ " Toriel hissed, "Why are you saying such horrible things?!"

I dropped the hand, and the manic act. "Because it's only fair. If the game's to be believed, then I already know that human SOULs are way more powerful than monsters. And I think it's the book in Snowdin that says if someone with a powerful SOUL strikes with intent to kill..."

I stared at Undyne while letting that trail off, and looked away after a moment. "Well. I can understand why Undyne's being careful."

Neither of them had an immediate response to that, so I let the silence hang for a minute. But we can't dawdle here forever. "Anyway--"

"What makes you think that's true, huh?!" Undyne demanded, suddenly. Did her voice shake?

I glared at her. Really? I offer you human weaknesses and admit how much I know about those of monsters to even the playing field and you STILL try to bluff your way through this? Damnit Undyne, you're even pale!

... how does that even work? Fish are cold-blooded, right? That wouldn't show on their cheeks, would it?.. wait. I'm dealing with monster biology, not marine biology.

Toriel cut in on my grumbling with an unexpectedly quiet response: "You are more correct than not, young one."

Fish-lady half-groaned, half-growled, while I raised an eyebrow at Tori's distracted expression. I wonder... "You speak from experience?"

Toriel's eyes moved towards me, but I definitely wasn't what she was interested in. In fact... what was the line from her fight? 'Toriel looks through you?' Yeah, that's a pretty good description.

... especially if she's thinking of the monster-human war, I realized. That made me cringe a little, looking away. Didn't intend to bring up THAT kind of memory. "... sorry."

Another silence, until Undyne sighed irritably. "And what makes you think I'd believe you?" Guess she did pick up on the 'human weaknesses' part, at least.

And she asked a good question, too! "At this point? Nothing. Honestly, that's probably a good thing - with THAT kind of power imbalance humans should be earning monsters' trust, rather than the other way around. It won't actually HAPPEN that way, obviously, but... like I said, I understand."

"Then what're you trying to do, huh?"

"Mostly trying to show I'm not going to hurt you guys. All I really have to offer for that is information, which... doesn't seem to be working, does it?"

"I do not believe you have any need to prove yourself, young one." Toriel said, firmly. Probably a jab at Undyne as much as anything.

But... "You, uh... may have a point. Not everyone's gonna be able to go through what Frisk did to prove that they aren't an asshole."

"Language."

I cringed again. "Sorry."

Undyne was definitely getting worn down by all this. "Then what the hel--heck do you want?"

"I want you to give me a chance." ... tread carefully. "... and maybe hold back on accusations or suspicions of humans in the future. I knew what I'm getting into, but lots of others... won't understand. And could take any excuse to try and hurt monsters."

"So why bother playing nice with them?!"

Damnit, Undyne. "Because, like Frisk, there ARE going to be some that're willing to be on your side. And there'll be more of them if you give them a chance to make friends. And when humans are fighting humans, there won't be a difference in SOUL strength to overcome, right?"

Undyne growled again. I shrugged and continued, "Sorry. I'm pretty sure that any good outcome for this is going to end up being more about looking nice than being strong. Not giving people a reason to WANT to hurt Alphys is probably going to help more than trying to intimidate anyone that gets too close."

Toriel nodded. "Exactly, young one."

Well, at least that's good. Not that Undyne looks too happy about it... "Then what the heck am I supposed to do, huh?"

Hm. I had to think about that one for a moment. "... Keep being suspicious, but try to stay quiet and hold back unless someone's actually about to get hurt. Right now you only have yourselves to rely on, but... I think if we play our cards right, the Undertale fans might be a good source of easy allies to make."

Undyne looked me over. "You intending to be one of them, punk?"

That's... another good question. "Er... I'm not sure I have the strength or courage to really stand up for you guys, but I definitely intend to tell you guys everything I can before the rest of the world catches on and everything goes to hell."

"Language."

Damnit. "Sorry."

"I do have a question, young one. What exactly do you mean by 'everything you can?'"

Uhoh. Toriel showing her colors as brain of the throne. Hopefully she isn't too upset with me. "Well... I was thinking of starting with letting you guys play through the main game, then working out a way to give you guys access to the human internet in order to research both what people have to say about Undertale and what the surface world is like. Then try to work out a plan for how to introduce monsters as real without people getting dusted."

Those are some steely Goatmom eyes. "And why do you find it necessary for us to play the game first, young one?"

Um. Well. "To... make sure you get an accurate first impression? Some of the stuff online is... awkward." Haven't even thought to mention the whole 'undertail' bit, for one. Not to mention... "... and I think it's worth working out a few secrets from the Underground between yourselves before bringing surface politics into the mix."

"What sort of secrets do you mean?"

Hoo boy. That's a whopper of a question. "Pretty... awful ones. Or at least embarrassing."

"Such as?"

Ugh. Okay, think. What can I give as an example that isn't too bad... "How you knew Sans, for one."

"I would hardly consider that a secret. Is that the worst you fear, young one?"

"No. There's... a lot worse to consider." Asriel and Chara's situation, for starters... and what the fandom thinks of Chara. And resets. And... well. The list goes on for a while.

"And why would the game help more than telling us now?"

Um. Considering how many fics there are about how much drama the full story causes, and how inevitable it is in this scenario... er... what's the best way to answer that? "It's... uh... not my secret to tell. Or Frisk's, in some cases. And... I think the game's the best way to see the full story about what's going on."

Toriel frowned again. At least she wasn't angry yet. Apparently? "Are any of these secrets dangerous?"

Good question. About Chara, in particular. "There's... nothing _immediately_ dangerous, I think." Although if there's a chance to catch Asriel before he turns back into a flower... "Though one thing might be a little urgent."

"And what would that be?"

Nope. Not gonna get into the ex-genocidal goatkid that doesn't want to be forgiven topic right now. "Something I'd rather talk to Frisk about. Not our secret, but something should... be done about it. Soon."

Another long silence. I fidgeted under Toriel's stare. Finally, "I am not certain I am comfortable with this, young one."

Well, tough. "Unfortunately, that seems to be the world we ended up in. Anything that might make you feel better about it?"

She considered. "There is... no one else you wish to tell the full story?"

That... is an idea, actually. "You know... Sans would be a good judge of what to do, come to think of it."

Undyne laugh-snorted. "Nghah! THAT lazybones?! He never does anything!"

"Meaning that any petty secrets I tell him won't be an issue, and he'll know what's big enough to bring up to the rest of you, right?" Besides, he deserves to know just how many of his OWN secrets he's going to be losing... if he doesn't already know everything about what's going on anyway.

Miss Fish just grumbled at that. Toriel, on the other hand, was smiling. "I believe that would help, young one. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Just, uh, hope he actually shows up soon. " And hope he doesn't decide to dunk me on sight for messing with the game.

Toriel chuckled and put a hand into her robe, pulling out a rather large smartphone (tablet?) and tapping away with a paw. "Do not worry, I shall leave him a 'text.'"

Glad someone can get ahold of him, at least. "Thanks." Hopefully forcing his hand will be a good idea.

"And... there." Toriel put the device away, smiling at me once more. "Young one, I do have one last thing to say."

Uhoh. "Alright?"

"You wish to speak with Frisk, correct?" That smile looks strained.

Yeah, I can see the implications there. "And if I hurt them, you'll be making a Jeremy barbeque in the morning. Gotcha."

She blinked. "Jeremy barbeque?"

"Well, it's my name, so..."

"Ufuhuhu!!"

I feel I should be concerned about Undyne laughing at that.

"Perhaps I should have asked earlier. My apologies, Jeremy."

I was staring at Undyne as she tried to contain her laughter. "Uh... no problem. Undyne, you okay?"

Undyne looked up, a sneering toothy grin on her face. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

"I'm just fine, _Jerry_."

Oh no. I was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... actually thinking of incorporating that 'Jerry' part into a proper title. Hm.
> 
> Feedback appreciated, as usual.


	3. Jerry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry.
> 
> The human.

Undyne cackled as she slammed the door open on our way back out, novelty Gurren-case DVD box tucked under one arm. She was REALLY happy about getting that 'Jerry' ammunition against me, especially since Toriel didn't seem to understand why, for most of the Underground, it would be considered an insult.

Not that that stopped the fish 'confiscating' the TTGL box. Oh well. Haven't actually watched it in a long time, anyway. On the other hand...

"ALRIGHT NERDS! JERRY'S GOT THEIR CRAP TOGETHER!"

... she wasn't exactly shy about spreading the nickname. Damnit.

"Jerry?" Asgore asked, eyebrows raised.

"JERRY?!" Papyrus... squeaked? Just how many octaves did that voice go up? And... he just shuffled around Frisk and crouched down specifically so he could see me while watching the squirt. Damnit Paps that's adorable.

Anyway. "Jeremy." I corrected half-heartedly, while Undyne cackled, "Jerry. Jer. Whatever you want to call me, though I'd guess you aren't happy with me when using 'Jerry.' For. Reasons." Hopefully I'm not THAT annoying... though I'm clearly enough of a slob, aren't I? At least having the laptop folded closed under my arm wasn't too sloppy.

"N-NONSENSE!" Papyrus cried, gesturing wildly despite his... precarious pose, "I SIMPLY WAS NOT AWARE THAT YOU SHARED NAMES WITH... ER..."

"Jerry." I deadpanned, as I imagined the narration from the game doing... along with the goofy audio of that one Undertale confessions video, admittedly. Frisk giggled. Hmm. Should I count that as a point for Narrachara or just my delivery?

Or maybe the kid's just amused by Papyrus' antics. "Y-YES, EXACTLY!" He was sweating again. God I'm going to have to unlearn so much about biology after this. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS DID NOT EXPECT HUMANS TO HAVE THE SAME NAMES AS MONSTERS! THIS COULD BE RATHER CONFUSING."

"I'm pretty sure there's no one named Snowdrake, but there is some overlap, yeah. Sorry."

"NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE NEW HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY!!" A bad habit of mine, admittedly. "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT JERRY IS... ER..."

"Jerry." I repeated. 

"YES!! EXACTLY!!"

"Pardon me for asking," Toriel said, arms wrapped around the two Undertale t-shirts she'd insisted on folding and taking with her after I remembered they were in my room, to reveal at the proper time, "But... who is Jerry?"

Undyne cackled some more and vacated the conversation, darting to where Alphys was peeking behind the birch tree and showing off the Gurren Lagann box in hushed whispers. Well, at least that made them happy.

Though Toriel did glare after them. "Undyne has not been very forthcoming."

Asgore smiled and cleared his throat... "Well-..." ... only to stop short, wince, and cringe away from Toriel's glare.

Delightful. I hope she stops going for his throat at some point. "Want me to field this one?" I offered.

"N-NO NEED HUMAN JEREMY!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO INTRODUCE THE... DENIZENS OF SNOWDIN!!"

Papyrus introducing Jerry? That's a weird thought. How's he gonna put a positive spin on THAT? So, I gave the skeleton a shrug. "Go ahead."

"JERRY IS A MONSTER THAT LIKES TO HANG OUT IN SNOWDIN FOREST! IT IS, ER, VERY ABRASIVE, BUT OF COURSE I CAN TELL THAT IT IS MERELY SHOWING SUCH DEEP LEVELS OF IRONY TO GO OVER EVERYONE'S HEADS!!"

Oh wow. Papyrus. You're amazing. It looks like even Asgore's having trouble keeping a straight face at that.

"BUT! STILL! SOMETIMES IT." That's Papyrus nervous face, huh? "UH. MAY TAKE THINGS TOO FAR?? THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING HIGH STANDARDS AND BEING DISCOURAGING!" There we go, that's a bit more realistic. "I AM CERTAIN JERRY CAN DO BETTER! PERHAPS OBSERVING MY GREATNESS WOULD HELP THEM BE MORE POSITIVE! NYEH HEH HEH!!"

Bravo, Papyrus. Bravo.

"I... see." Toriel said, glancing over at Undyne and Alphys, who had taken out the actual DVDs to examine. "I suppose that explains her amusement."

Ugh, don't remind me about the teasing. "For starters, yeah."

Papyrus noticed the small sigh I'd given with that. "DO NOT WORRY HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY!! I AM CERTAIN UNDYNE WILL APPRECIATE YOU IN TIME! AFTER ALL, I ALREADY DO! AND SHE IS ALREADY LESS MURDERY THAN SHE WAS WITH FRISK!!"

"There is no longer a reason to fight humans, after all." Asgore added.

I wouldn't be so sure about that... if monsters with human SOULs are any more resistant to killing intent, then... well. Guess I can point them to a graveyard, at least. Not that I should say anything about that in front of Papyrus...

"THAT'S RIGHT! THOUGH... DARNIT! I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO BE A HELPFUL PART OF MY HUMAN FRIENDSHIP PLANS!!"

He does mention something like that, doesn't he...? "Along with the puzzles, right?"

"YES! THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL BEFRIEND ALL THE HUMANS WITH ONLY THE BEST PUZZLES AND JAPES!!"

Toriel chuckled, unfurling the black t-shirt she'd carried out. "I don't believe that will be necessary, Papyrus."

Papyrus was, predictably enough, extremely excited to see himself on a t-shirt. Even if it was a bootlegged one of him and Sans in a slightly goofy style, it still got the point across. The skeleton eagerly took it from Toriel's hands to gawk at, starry-eyed and, amazingly, silent.

The purple Delta Rune shirt, on the other hand, was unceremoniously flung at Asgore's face. At least it didn't tear on the horns when he pulled it down to frown at.

"H-HUMAN. IS THIS? AM I??"

I nodded. "Yep. That's you. And Sans. I said the game was popular, didn't I?"

Papyrus' voice dissolved into wordless, high-pitched squealing, before turning to show Frisk, and then dashing off with them to show Undyne. Well, she won't be gone much longer...

"It seems you are serious about this, Jeremy." Asgore mused, before carefully folding up the Delta Rune t-shirt and offering it to Toriel, then to me when she turned away. "This is not the greeting I expected on the surface."

"It shouldn't have been, but here we are." I said, stuffing the shirt under the same arm as the laptop, "And, uh, I'd like to try and make the most of it."

"Very well. How so?"

"Well... I've got something of a plan in mind, but at this point I should probably explain it to everyone together." After all, Toriel's already heard most of it, and repeating it more would be annoying. I wonder how many times Sans or Frisk have tried... maybe they'll appreciate saving their breath this time around.

Not that we had to wait long. Within seconds, Undyne was back with the rest, clapping Asgore on the back with a laugh, Alphys following behind her with the DVD box clutched in her short arms and staring up at me with a smile.

"HUMAN JEREMY!" Papyrus announced, stepping up alongside Asgore with Frisk on his shoulders, "UNDYNE SAYS THAT YOU CAN STILL TELL THAT FRISK IS A KID NOW???"

... now that I look, Frisk IS wearing the adult-medium Font Brothers shirt, grinning and waving from over an enthusiastic skull. I chuckled, shook my head a little, and waved back. "Yes, I can, Papyrus. Human kids are usually more their size than mine."

"WOWIE! HUMANS ARE NEATO!!"

Oh, Papyrus.

Asgore coughed politely. "Ahem... I believe you mentioned having a plan, Jeremy?"

Right, that. "Yeah. So. Um. Basically." I began, trying to sort out my thoughts. "Undertale. Which exists if the shirts are any indication." Undyne snorted. Careful... "Follows Frisk. Reveals a lot of awkward secrets. Which uh. I think are best resolved before getting involved in stuff on the surface."

Hoo boy. That grin Undyne's giving me is pretty nerve-wracking. "Though uh. I'm getting the impression that... not everyone wants to know all the details?"

"I DO!"

Undyne wasn't expecting that response, if the strangled cough was any indication. I just raised my eyebrows and took a cautious step back. Don't want to get skwered for getting involved in this right now, thank you...

"Ehyaha... c'mon, Papyrus, you don't need to worry about this stuff..." fishlady managed, after a moment.

"I AM NOT WORRIED, UNDYNE! I AM HERE TO SUPPORT YOU!"

Undyne's eye bulged some more. "What."

"EVERYONE IS SO WORRIED ABOUT THESE 'SECRETS' FROM UNDERTALE!" Papyrus cried, "AND PERHAPS SOMETHING... BAD? HAPPENED BEFORE?? AND NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT??? AND I'M SURE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD REASON FOR IT!" A boot stomped, and he posed with an arm stretched toward the sky, "BUT! HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY!! AND I DON'T KNOW IF EVERYONE'S REALLY READY TO TELL EVERYTHING, BUT! SOMETIMES YOU NEED A PUSH FROM A FRIEND TO SHARE!! RIGHT, HUMAN JEREMY?!"

Goddamnit, Paps. That's better put than I was going to be able to do. Why are you being so helpful...?

Er. I still needed to respond to that somehow. "Uh. Well. Maybe? I'm not sure I'd really be considered a 'friend,' at this point."

"WHAT? YOU'RE... NOT???" One of Papyrus' gloves scratched at the side of his head. "DO I NEED TO MAKE A PUZZLE FOR YOU??"

"I believe that Jeremy means that some of the others may be more suspicious of them, Papyrus." Toriel gave me a look. "Is that right?"

"Pretty much, yeah. And uh. For good reason. Surface humans aren't always very nice. I'm not exactly a saint myself."

Asgore shook his head, beard flowing strangely from the motion. That fucking thing makes no sense. "We do not expect you to be, Jeremy. That you are helping us at all is appreciated. "

I scratched the back of my head with my free hand. "... I guess. Still. Uh." I glanced at the fishlady again. "Undyne's made it clear that I might be being a little too pushy about the whole 'blunt honesty about absolutely everything' part. Which I do sometimes."

Undyne's retort was dry. "Ya think?" I cringed a little.

"I DO NOT THINK THIS IS A PROBLEM, HUMAN JEREMY! IF UNDERTALE IS SO POPULAR, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO DIVE IN!!"

"Well, yeah, I was thinking that it's easiest to just get the whole awkward bit over with, but, uh... not EVERYONE has to go through all of it, now that I think about it a little more. Carefully." Try not to stare at Undyne... "I think, uh, if you really wanted to, it'd be possible to hide away from the worst of it if you really tried. So uh. If anyone wants to back out of this, now's probably the time to do it."

There. That should keep me safe... except now Papyrus is crossing his arms and... pouting? "NYEH?? OF COURSE NOT!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS FEARS NO SECRETS!" Fuck. "AND I WILL NOT MISS FINDING OUT WHAT THE HUMANS THINK OF MY GREATNESS!!"

Damnit damnit damnit. Alright. Think. Is there a way to make him understand his innocence's at stake without giving it away? Like, more than it has been already?

"Papyrus." ... why is Undyne coming to the rescue now of all times? "It looks like _Jerry_ over there can't make up their mind about what they want outta you, but uh... I'm not sure it'd be worth it for you."

"WHAT??? WHY NOT???"

Ah, there's an idea. "Because some of it might undermine what makes you great." There, plenty vague.

Papyrus looked at me, eye(socket)s narrowing for a silent moment. "JEREMY. IF HUMANS THINK SOME LITTLE SECRETS ARE GOING TO STOP MY GREATNESS... THEN I AM QUITE DISAPPOINTED!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS BETTER THAN THAT! ALL THE MORE REASON FOR ME TO WATCH! AND THEN! I CAN BE POPULAR EVEN WHEN THE HUMANS DOUBT ME! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!"

Well. I guess that positivity's what makes him great, after all. And... wait a second. Popular? If Undyne's mostly worried about her own hide... "... and you don't even need to join the Royal Guard to do it, huh?"

The eyesockets grew wide again. "... HEY! YOU'RE RIGHT!! MAYBE THIS ISN'T THE WORST ENDING, AFTER ALL!!"

"Heh... HEH! FWAHA!" I'm hoping that's laughter of relief from Undyne, rather than the prelude to flipping out violently. "Alright, fine, Papyrus, you win this one. FOR NOW!!" Phew. That's promising.

But there's... something else about Papyrus staying involved that I'm worried about. "Though uh... one last thing. Even if you're too great to have any problems with it... what would Sans think? He can be kinda... protective."

Papyrus just blinked at me. "THEN HE SHOULD BE HERE INSTEAD, THE LAZYBONES! I AM NOT A TINY BABY!! AND! I WILL NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL HIM THE STORY, WON'T I???"

... okay, I kind of shot myself in the foot on that one. I laughed too. "Heheh. Alright, alright. You win, Paps." Here's to hoping Sans understands, whenever he actually shows. 

"Hmmm. Jeremy." Uhoh. Toriel doesn't sound too happy. "You said you intended to inform Sans of these secrets, did you not?"

Papyrus jumped, and Frisk squeaked from his shoulders. "HUH? WHAT?!"

REALLY shot myself in the foot. Fuck. "Just give him the short version of the more, uh, volatile secrets. He'd be a good judge of whether they're worth acting on."

"OH! THAT DOES MAKE SENSE, ACTUALLY."

... I really can't decide how clever Papyrus is. I'm getting mixed messages. Is he just a lovably narcissistic grandmaster autist or is there something else to it...? Well, I guess I can find out another time.

"Volatile secrets?" Asgore asked, slightly concerned.

"Yeah. Like I told Tori, I don't think there's anything immediately dangerous to cover, but... some of it's really awkward. Or, uh, prone to causing drama." I looked at Undyne for a moment, then up a little into the sky. "I've read enough fanfiction about this stuff to be worried about how to present it without you guys fighting each other."

"F-fanfiction? O-of us?"

I grinned at Alphys, probably wider and more predatory than was necessary. "Oh yes. Many. Of all sorts. Which uh. I probably shouldn't really talk about just yet."

Alphys' cheeks reddened, and the DVD box fell out of her hands. She squeaked and busied herself with snatching it back up again, ducking behind Undyne in embarrassment. Oh well.

Asgore blinked slowly, wearing a dopey smile that was starting to grow familiar. "Fan... fiction?" 

Hoo boy. "It's like, uh... if someone really likes a play and they write a little story about it and put it on the Undernet for people to read?"

"Or an a-anime!" Alphys added.

Thankfully, Asgore seemed to get the idea. "Golly. Are there a lot of these... fan fictions?"

I waved a hand. "Thousands. Of differing interpretations, redesigns, out-of-character behavior, and role swaps."

Papyrus was getting excited again. "WOWIE! WAIT, SWAPS?? DO I GET TO BE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD???"

Okay, I haven't read many of those. The only fic along those lines I really looked is Flowey is Not a Good Life Coach, which... well, that's not a good thing to discuss at this point. So let's dodge the question: "I haven't seen very much of those. Though there is a pretty popular setup with you and Sans swapping places with Toriel and Asgore." Throw in Storyshift as a decoy, sure, why not.

"REALLY??? WAIT, IS SANS A LAZYBONES MOM OR A LAZYBONES KING???"

"King." I answered, "But, uh, that's not really important right now."

"That does seem quite confusing." Toriel admitted. "Your plan sounds wiser now, Jeremy."

Asgore perked up a little. "Hm? There is more to it, then?"

I nodded at him. "Yeah. Basically. I'm thinking the best thing to do, at this point, is to let you guys play through Undertale to get a better idea of exactly what happened and what you need to be prepared for, before dealing with... well, everything else."

"WOWIE! THAT SOUNDS FUN!!" Papyrus provided, to little surprise.

"Probably! Though uh... it might take a little while. Which brings me to the next..." I remembered something. Shit. "Problem. Uh. Where's Mettaton?"

Undyne frowned. "He said he had to go somewhere, right Alphys?"

I dismissed that with a wave. "I know that, visiting family, but what about after that?"

Er. Maybe that wasn't the best line, as it earned a squeak from Alphys as she backed away and waved a hand desperately, shaking her head and whimpering. Damnit. Yeah, Mettaton wouldn't want people to know his backstory, would he?

Undyne's good humor vanished quickly. "And why d'you wanna know, huh?" Phew that's an icy voice.

"Uh. The other problem. Would be avoiding other humans on the surface until we've got the Underground stuff worked out and have a plan for revealing that monsters are real." I explained, "And Mettaton sounds like the sort to dive directly into any attempt at popularity without regard for the consequences."

Undyne grumbled. "Well, I guess you're right about THAT..." And it looks like Alphys had recovered some, clutching one of Undyne's hands rather than completely shutting down. Phew.

"And thus complicating things with the actions of other humans, correct?" Asgore seemed to be considering this seriously. Finally, someone gets it.

"Yeah, pretty much. And he isn't the only one that'd be reckless about rushing to the surface, unless, uh... asked to stay in hiding." Here's the hard part.

"Human." Oh. Uh. Asgore? What happened to the nice voice? "If you are saying that my people should remain underground..."

Um. Guess he does have a spine when it comes to that, huh? I don't, if the cowering is any indication. "U-um, that's not quite what I meant. Just... just not rushing to meet the humans? We shouldn't attract much attention as long as you guys can stick to the forest, rather than greeting the neighbors and getting us buried in news vans before there's a chance to explain anything. Okay?"

He regarded me solemnly, and I tried not to fidget too much. After several seconds, he asked, "How long will this take, Jeremy?"

"Uh. My first playthrough was. Like twelve hours? Total? Realistically, uh. Probably... a day?" Though I will need to show them more than the Pacifist route... "Two? More if, uh, you can contain people well enough to get familiar with the surface and work out a plan for introducing monsters to humans before those news vans wreak havoc."

"That may be difficult." The king replied, "But for that amount of time... perhaps."

I nodded. Phew. "I wasn't expecting it to be easy. Kinda doubt just the king's word would stop everyone, either. So... think it'd help if we showed them what's at stake?"

"I AM SURE EVERYONE WILL UNDERSTAND!" Papyrus said, "IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE PREPARED FOR MAKING HUMAN FRIENDS!!"

Asgore nodded. "It may help. Though I am not sure how you intend to tell this...?"

"TV access is pretty common in the Underground, right? Think we'd be able to have a news report for monsters explaining the situation to get the message out? We can even have Mettaton do it. That should help distract him for a while."

"Distract, huh?" Undyne sounded pretty skeptical. Oh dear. What is she worried about now... wait, I think I can guess.

But Asgore spoke up first. "I believe that will work. Though I am not sure for how long."

"Doesn't have to be long. And if there are still questions... well..." I grinned again. "Alphys, do you know what a 'Let's Play' is?"

"U-um?!" Alphys stammered, stepping back. Shit, I shouldn't have called her out, even if she's the only one that would know... "Uh, m-maybe? W-watching people p-play a game, I g-guess?"

I cowered away a little from Undyne's glare, but nodded. "Y-yeah, pretty much. Um. Sorry for putting you on point like that..."

Fish-girlfriend growled. "Stuff it."

Papyrus did the math for what I was implying. "WAIT... ARE YOU SAYING THAT WE SHOULD GO ON TV TO SHOW EVERYONE UNDERTALE?!"

Clever skeleton. I gave him a nod. "That was the plan, yeah. And your reactions to it."

Asgore hummed for a moment, considering. "Hmm. I suppose if all of this will be known anyway... what is this game like, Jeremy?"

"Er... that'd be a long, spoiler-ridden story, I'm afraid. But uh... the trailer would probably be a good intro, wouldn't it?" That's what I went in for in the first place, right? Oops. I finally extracted the laptop from under my arm to pull open. Good, still ready to play.

"I suppose that is true. Let us see, then..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took way too long on this. I should probably try to make this a higher priority than rereading Final Fantasy LPs.
> 
> Let's pretend it was research for the revealed premise, maybe?
> 
> Obligatory credit links:
> 
> Flowey is Not a Good Life Coach:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/5056333/>
> 
> Storyshift:  
> <http://ut-storyshift.tumblr.com/faq>


	4. sans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contingency plans, trying not to talk down to a child, and a skeleton. A very spooky, scary skeleton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, the trailer is at <https://youtu.be/1Hojv0m3TqA>

I had forgotten much of the contents of the Undertale trailer. Some of it led to awkward questions I wasn't quite ready to deal with.

"SLAY them?! Is the game really that violent?!"

"Games offer choices, Tori. Not all of them are nice. Think of it as, uh, could have beens."

"Frisk wouldn't do that!"

"Well, it DID say that nobody had to die..." Honestly, I'm glad the trailer's name field was blank, rather than using Chara. I mean, I think I remember Toby using that in promotional material in the past?

"Ugh, the locations are pretty accurate... heheh, but you bet I'm deadly!"

No comment on that, Undyne.

"What on Earth was that... section with Toriel?"

"I... don't know either. Toby likes to shii-shenanganize a bit." Had to resist calling it shitposting there...

"OH, HEY! FLOWERY SHOWED UP AT THE END!"

I gave Frisk a look. "Flowey's pretty important to the story, yeah." They hid behind Papyrus' head. I really need to pull them aside about Asriel, and soon...

"Toby Fox? Who is that?"

"The main author of the game. He's, uh, something of a minor celebrity at this point. I don't think it'd be safe to get ahold of him immediately, but if we have the time he'd be worth talking to before going public. Maybe taking into protective custody? I'm not sure what would be the best idea there. But he's given no indication of knowing you guys are real, if that's what you're worried about."

"I d-don't see a description...?"

"Different part of the site, more spoilers. Sorry."

Good thing I've been listening to extended soundtrack videos lately: The related videos overlay when the trailer ended just showed a bunch of Frisks and Toriels going bug-hunting, rather than a variety of Bad Time splashes. No need to get Sans any angrier at me once he friggin' shows, or encourage Frisk to go for the knives.

... I'm gonna need to lock those up.

"Well. I suppose there is no more argument that this should not be addressed." Asgore said. 

"Pretty much. I uh, don't know how easy setting up a stream for you guys from the surface would be, though..." Logistics can be a pain. Hey, wait, how did Toriel's phone work? We're past the Core, right...?

"Hold it." Undyne cut in. She glared at me for a moment. "... Jerry. I know you said to hold back on being suspicious of humans..."

Guess I'll worry about that later. "Mostly other ones, uh, once we get to that point. I know what I'm getting into and can respect paranoia for safety. And being blunt about it. But I think I can guess what you're worried about."

A one-eyed squint. "... you sure you aren't a mind-reader?"

Not this again. "I don't think I can disprove that, so let's just say my logic is that the way to abuse begging for you guys to stay in hiding for a while would be buying time for some unfriendly human group to swoop in before you guys can get established, right?"

Undyne sighed. "How the hel-heck do you do that?"

"I make a point of trying to be suspicious of my in-group." 

"Your wha?"

Game theory and tribe psychology and the resulting bullshit biases and racism, longer story than I feel like getting into. "Long story, for another time. Short version: I'm willing to be suspicious of humans and try to put myself in your shoes, so to speak."

Undyne was at a loss for that. "Uh. Okay, I guess that works... STILL! You got anything to say to THAT, punk?"

Good question. "Uh... nothing comes to mind? Uh, let me think about it for a second."

She snorted. Good enough. Okay, come on. What would I be able to do about the fear of buying time for some other hostile force? Ugh... not much. It's either go public ASAP to avoid getting wiped out entirely from an active conspiracy, or hold back and investigate, whether following my advice on the how or not. Though maybe... a contingency plan?

"I... don't think I actually have an answer to that." I admitted, after a moment. "There really isn't anything I can do to show that I'm not just trying to buy time for some other band of jerks. I think this is about the point where I'd have to ask you guys to trust me."

"Tch. Guess it'd get to that eventually." Undyne grumbled.

I shrugged. "Unfortunately. I guess the last bit I can offer would be a contingency plan? Something that'd be useful whatever else happens here." Fishlady frowned, but didn't object. "I mean... whether a worst-case scenario for monsters comes from some jerk human group trying to wipe you out before anyone realizes you're here or humans in general showing they can't play nice even when you're prepared... it'd be a fair backup plan to have a self-sufficient hidden tribe of monsters hiding out somewhere obscure on the surface, right?"

"A BRILLIANT IDEA, HUMAN JEREMY!!" If you say so, Papyrus. "IF, ER, RATHER PARANOID?"

Well, yeah. "Kind of a habit of mine. Hopefully I can at least make it useful?"

"I am not certain how possible that would be, Jeremy." Asgore said. "I do not even know where they would go..."

Oh well. I tried. "Neither do I. Hell, I, uh, probably SHOULDN'T know in case said hopefully-hypothetical group of jerk humans decides to bully it out of me." I gave Undyne a squint. "Or if I'm in on it from the start." She snorted.

... although. Should I give advice on where to go? Or is that just going to turn into reverse-mindgaming bullshit?... ugh, I should, only Undyne's got her head in the game that far and it SHOULD be useful taken straight if it comes to that, she can just deal with it.

"Although. I will say that if you DO send some hideaways out, the safest places are probably the frozen tundras and glaciers, most easily from the north of here. Still pretty far and there's the Canadian border to sneak past, but frozen wastelands are the only area on the surface that humans tend to avoid at this point." ... probably? Maybe? Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

Asgore's dopey smile was back. "Er... Canadian border?"

Oh. Well, that would be one thing. "Uh... guess I should offer a crash course on surface nations too, huh? Kind of a... northern neighbor." How can I contextualize that for someone like Asgore...? Wait. King. "Neighboring kingdom, of sorts? Kinda different, but it'd be a long story."

That seemed to work well enough. Asgore stroked at his beard for a moment. "Hmm... do you know if we would be more welcome there?"

Good question. "I'm... not sure? Maybe a little more than here, the US doesn't have a great track record on violence and racism, but there's no legal precedent at ALL for you guys even existing so I don't know if anywhere's gonna want to... er... I'm getting ahead of myself again."

A royally deep chuckle. "I suppose. But it sounds as if it is time for us to decide what to do, correct?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Which you should probably do without me standing here like an idiot eavesdropping, right?"

"Would be appreciated." Undyne said.

Hoo boy. I can see three main ways this can go. I can try to help them out by going through Undertale and smoothing out the revelations involved to try and avoid things like Chara genocide or Undyne shanking Frisk for actions in other timelines, they can refuse to trust me at all and take their chances with the surface world in general... or maybe they'll just refuse to play the game first but accept help just with figuring things out...? In that case.

"Right. Guess the last I can say is, uh, if you want me to help without going through the game first? I'm not going to take responsibility for any infighting as a result."

"Why are you so certain of there being infighting, Jeremy?" Toriel asked, with a frown.

I gave her an exaggerated shrug. "Fanfictions, I guess. I could be wrong. Hopefully I am. But I'd rather be careful."

"I DO THINK YOU ARE WORRYING TOO MUCH, HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY!" Papyrus added, "BUT THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL RESPECT YOUR DECISION!!"

I looked at him and remembered something. Mostly because the most important figure here was still latched around his neck. "Uh. Thanks, Papyrus. But I think I forgot something else. Er... Frisk?"

The kid looked up, expression timid. Have they been avoiding looking at me? Maybe. Can't say I blame them too much. I've been trying not to think too much about how to deal with them, either.

But all that did was get their attention. The real problem is, uh... "I probably shoulda been asking you about this stuff earlier, huh? Have you been following along with what's going on?"

The kid stared silently for a long moment, and gave me a small nod. Well, that's good. Probably. I'm gonna have to be careful what I say to them, considering their (probable) headmate. Though if this isn't their first run through the scenario, that won't help... still, no need to tip them off that I'm not an idiot about that. And I'll have to be honest about knowing about Resets anyway. No need to pile on THAT particular line of existential horror right now.

Anyway. "Good. It's complex stuff, so pretty good at your age." Physical, anyway. I'm no good with kids, they're probably like... somewhere between 6 and 10? It's been so long since I paid attention to any of that. Mentally... who knows what sort of Resets they've gone through.

"They are a clever child." Toriel agreed, with a quiet smile. Frisk smiled a little, too. Another good sign.

"So. I'd better admit that I've been kind of a jerk about not talking to you about all of this. And I should change that. And considering how this is all about your adventure, uh... I think I should probably talk to you alone about some of it before we get started."

The kid's smile vanished, replaced with quiet concern... maybe fear? Okay, considering how they hid their face behind Papyrus' head again, I'm guessing fear. Damnit.

Okay, how can I salvage this? "Uh. Maybe not, if you don't want to. But, er, I think there is one urgent thing that... I'd rather talk to you about before acting on, if that's okay?"

Frisk stayed hiding, and I noticed their arms tense up tighter around Papyrus' neck - or spine, at least. A little tight. Ugh, did I piss them off? If they flip to Genocide mode and snap Papyrus' head off, I swear I'll--

"heya."

A very nasally half-chuckle of a voice, from just behind me at waist level. Um...

"sorry i'm late. new home traffic was _monstrous_. "

Toriel snort-laughed as I turned around, predictably meeting the ever-grinning skull of Sans, already staring up at me from a few feet away with his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"SANS! THERE YOU ARE! YOU TOOK SO LONG WE ALREADY FOUND A NEW HUMAN TO BEFRIEND WITHOUT YOU!!"

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel right now. Awe? Surprise? Irrational lust after too many shipping fics? Fear?

Sans didn't break eye contact. "really? great job, bro. looks like you've been busy."

Hmm. Abject terror seems to be winning out, especially after that pre-bad-time line. And I was just glaring in Papyrus' direction, wasn't I? Shit fuck piss damn I'm going to get dunked.

"They have been quite helpful." Asgore added. "But I am glad you are here. Jeremy has told us of a game about Frisk's trip through the Underground, and said they wanted to talk to you about it."

"huh. guess you do look like you wanna say something." He slowly winked one eye-socket, letting me clearly watch the _completely illogical_ solid bone eyelid come down, pulling his hands out to shrug. " something wrong? c'mon. you know you can't get under my skin, right?" Which eye is he winking with? I don't remember which side is the bad one. Am I already en route to getting blastered?

"Ha... haha..." Still, I managed a weak, strangled laugh. "Um. Sans. Yes. I have a lot to say. But uh. I think. The others might as well tell you the basics first. And uh. Maybe I should talk to Frisk. Too."

Sans' bone-eyelid raised again, hands returning to his pockets. "heh. alright." His eyelights finally stopped boring into my skull as he turned to Papyrus. "bro, you did a real good job if this fella's usually this scared of skeletons."

Nope. Not skeletons, Sans. Just you. Very much you. Let's start shuffling away like a coward, now.

"THEY ARE NOT, SANS! WHY, JEREMY IS A PERFECTLY BRAVE HUMAN!! THEY MUST BE UPSET BY SOMETHING ELSE?!" Papyrus paused for a moment while I tried to move to get Asgore between me and Sans. "OH! OF COURSE! SANS, WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU BATHED?!"

Good thing I've been pretty good about that lately, at least. I decided to tune out the skeletons' inevitable good-natured bickering once I was past Asgore, but barely had the time to give a quiet sigh of relief before a finned blue hand grabbed one of my wrists. I jumped, of course.

"Hey!" Undyne hissed, "What's up with you?! You really gonna freak out when that lazy lump shows up, but you barely flinch from me?!"

Ugh. Damnit, Undyne. Okay, think fast. "Uh. Sans. Can be very protective?" Great job making that into a question, Jer, you're losing it. "I uh. Was really worried about what he'd think about what's happened with Papyrus."

Her glare softened. "Well... yeah, I guess if there's anything that'd get him off his butt, it's Papyrus... STILL! I wanna see TERROR next time, Jerry!!"

But you're so fun to antagonize! "Uh... I'll try?" There's something else I could say here... oh. "Just... I know you're too disciplined to really hurt someone without a good reason."

"Ugh... there you go again with that knowing us crap. Listen, Jerry. Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Wouldn't acting scared of you be a form of flattery...?"

Asgore chuckled. Guess he could overhear this much.

Undyne didn't appreciate it. "Don't you bring your logic into this!! And I thought you were gonna scram?!"

"That was the plan. Uh." I should probably announce where I was planning to wait, at least.

I peeked back around Asgore just in time to hear Papyrus shriek. "NYAAH! YOU TWO ARE TERRIBLE!!" With Toriel and Frisk giggling, I probably just missed some pun torment. A pity.

"Hey. Uh. Guys?" I said meekly while trying to avoid Sans' gaze, "I'm gonna go wait by the well over there, alright?" I pointed at the not-really-a-well at the corner of the yard where I'd been dumping corn out for critters when this whole mess started. "Have Frisk or Sans or whoever come over when you, uh, decide what you want to do."

"sure thing, bud."

"OF COURSE, FRIEND JEREMY! I SHALL GIVE SANS THE BEST POSSIBLE DESCRIPTION OF THE SITUATION! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!"

You go right ahead and do that, Papyrus. In the meantime, I'm going to go hide and try not to hyperventilate wondering how much Sans has already figured out, and try to scheme a concise explanation for why we're gonna need to at least try to properly save Asriel.

What has my life become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who did you really expect? It's about time.


	5. The Fallen Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overthinking the situation, and bullying one child to try and save another.

So. The well. Or, well. The not-well in the corner of the yard. Our critter feeding station, where I'd been tasked to dump sunflower seeds, corn, and cheapo cat food daily while the parents were off handling a messy family housing situation out of town for the week. The entrance to the 'well' itself was in fact a fair-sized plastic storage container connected to the main structure, heavily stained by years of critter chow. Above, a modest shingled roof so that the squirrels, deer, turkeys, racoons, and various other woodland creatures could eat without getting rained on. And on either end of that, a pair of hanging pots intended for comical amounts of sunflower seeds for smaller flying birds to inhale.

So you'll have to excuse me when I say Mom isn't entirely sane when it comes to the wildlife budget.

Of course, right now it was deserted, since I was squatting in the grass nearby. Our critters are fat, spoiled little fuckers, but they aren't tame. Especially with the cats around.

Still, I tried to focus my attention on the sight, facing away from the squad of monsters in the yard to give them their privacy for their strategic meeting. And hopefully not get speared in the back. By bones or otherwise. At least what I could hear of Sans' nasally drawl seemed calm. Not that that meant much with how unflappable the bugger is. Maybe he'll understand that it was 'just a game.' Hopefully I won't have to convince the Charisk Power Duet that time itself isn't.

I mean. I love me my Narrachara, but I should really try to assume as little as possible about the twerp. Twerps. There's plenty of indication that this timeline's Frisk is a goody-two-shoes - or at least has been mostly acting like one so far - but here and now, there's no telling what the situation is with Chara. Is this regular True Pacifist or Soulless Pacifist? What do they want? Are they omnicidal? Do they just want to end humans? Just end monsters out of spite for the plan failing? Would they care about trying to save Asriel? Would they oppose it? Are they more or less evil or just a kid with issues and a power they can't handle? Angry? Self-destructive? Ashamed? Passive? Planning to take control? Waiting for the right moment? Left underground?

Damnit.

Too many questions, too many possibilities. Especially if... well. I did tend to be of the mind that True Resets are done by Chara, and they would be the only one to truly remember everything... after all, destroying the world locks you out of Resetting until they get what they want, and the consequences of that persist regardless of how many Resets you do, True or otherwise. And going all the way back to their time would be one way to explain easily removing Flowey's memories, the main special trait of a True Reset. And considering how True Resets also resets things that are basically Frisk's reactions to game events... Frisk might not remember, either. And then Chara would have as many Resets as they need to get their acting perfect for whatever result they want, even with any foreknowledge or perceptiveness from me OR Sans.

So. There's no real safe way to bring up that subject with Frisk. And if I try to explain the implications of the Genocide route to anyone else before they have a firm understanding of Resets, the rest of the monsters would slaughter me for slandering the first fallen child. Or start dusting each other over the old wound of who to blame for Asriel's death, which is at least as bad.

So uh, I really hope they feel like going along with this plan. It'd be nice to have the opportunity to try and use things that have plausibly WORKED in fics to minimize the damage and clarify the threats and risks. And if I get caught in the crossfire here I'd rather it be my own damn fault.

Sans, at least, should understand that much once I can catch him alone. Hopefully. He's practical and got plenty of restraint and fairly good judgment, as far as I can tell. But getting him alone might not be easy. He's the only one I could try and send to the Underground to track down Asriel, if Frisk will even allow that... or thinks it's a good idea. His situation can't be a secret anymore... and Frisk isn't even the one who told, so THAT'S no longer an objection to helping him.

... which means it was the Dog that blabbed, wasn't it? I wonder. Does that dev room have a hardline internet connection to the outside world? How much of the game was done by Toby the Dog, and how much of it was done by Toby the Human? Can they shape reality or did they merely release a story reflecting it?

Haha. Yeah, that's a whole new layer of existential dread to wrangle. Good thing I'm more or less past worrying about that myself. In theory, at least. In practice, I'm probably going to have a few more mental breakdowns before my work as Multiverse Bullshit Explainer Person Dude is done. Hopefully without any dust. Well, at least Alphys will be excited.

Hmm. Multiverse... 

A small tap to my shoulder interrupted the perpetual cycle of overthinking. I shuffled to circle around and came face-to-face with Frisk, one of their hands covering their mouth as the other tugged at the hem of the Sans and Papyrus shirt he--they'd swiped. It wasn't quite dress-sized on them, but definitely oversized.

They weren't gray, so so much for that other thought. Guess I should try to play it cool for now. "Heya, kiddo."

Frisk swayed for a moment, then removed the hand from their mouth for a brief wave before returning it, staring nervously.

Hm. "So, what's the verdict? Feeling up to talking with me?"

A tiny nod. That's a good sign. I'll have to stay quiet - we're still clearly visible to the monsters in the yard here, but eavesdropping won't be too easy. Probably. How sensitive are Boss Monster ears? Damnit I didn't think this through. Well, too late now.

"Right. So, uh, how do you want to do this? I've got some... pretty uncomfortable things to talk about, and you seem like a pretty quiet kid. And I haven't exactly been doing a good job of not acting scary." I watched them sway nervously for a moment, with no obvious reaction to that. Bleh. "You want me to just kinda talk for now, and we'll work out any questions I have if you feel like answering them?" They've been comfortable with nodding responses, at least.

But instead, Frisk raised one hand, pointing down, and spun one finger. Asking me to turn around, I guess? Not entirely comfortable with turning my back on them in case Chara decided I was a threat... that's why I was squatting instead of sitting to keep my head around Frisk's level. At least I'm on my feet in case I need to dodge the knife.

Still... probably worth trying to make them comfortable. I shuffled around enough to be more or less in profile for them, watching with my peripheral vision instead of staring straight at Frisk. "This better?"

Another headbob. "Yeah."

What a small voice! So they CAN talk. Good. I'm not exactly versed at speaking in hands. "Alright. Sorry for staring, then. Anywhere you want me to start, or should I just try and cover the stuff you should be ready for?"

They shrugged. Alright then, fine. Let's... let's start with the biggest problem. "First of all, uh..."

I fidgeted a bit, glancing at the kid's face for a moment and rolling my shoulders. C'mon, you're the one that wanted to be honest about everything, _Jerry_. Spit it out.

"Thanks for... for not Resetting as soon as things got awkward."

A tense silence. Frisk clutched the bottom of the Bonebro shirt a little tighter. "R-Reset?"

"Yeah. Reset. Back to your 'Save Point.' Which, if the game's to be believed, would be the patch of golden flowers you landed on in the Ruins, right?"

The kid looked a little pale, now. "T... that's not..."

"Or maybe you Saved somewhere else. In the depths of the Lab, by the entrance to the Barrier... or just at a mousehole." Frisk looked down at the ground. Probably freaking out at this point. Damnit. "Sorry. That's the kind of detail the game gets into. So uh. I wanted to make sure you knew what we're getting into."

I watched the kid for a moment before remembering they'd rather I didn't stare. Are they going to Reset now? Load out of this conversation? How many times have I put them through this, I wonder... I can be stubborn, but I wouldn't call it the sort of Determination that would remember any previous attempts. I haven't really been feeling deja vu, either, so... who knows.

"You okay, Frisk?" I asked, after a little bit.

Their voice was smaller than before. "So... you know... already?"

That's not quite an answer, but at least we're still moving. "Probably. Or at least, I've got a few good guesses. When I said no more secrets, well..."

Their shoulders wavered in a sad chuckle, and they wiped at their eyes with a hand. "I didn't... I didn't want to tell them."

"And I can understand why. 'You killed me, but you're still my friend' is a difficult conversation, right?"

Frisk looked away, over at the monsters still hanging out under the back-lawn birch tree. I followed their gaze: Looks like the squad's still discussing things amongst themselves, though Undyne was glaring something fierce. Good thing Asgore's keeping her grounded.

Frisk turned back towards me and nodded, still looking down at the ground. "Yeah."

"And some of them aren't gonna understand. Hence the part about infighting."

"Yeah."

Which would be the problem, yep. "So. Guess the question now is what to do about it. Secrecy doesn't seem like an option anymore, but how to present it might make the difference in how people react. If you think the game would help..."

"Maybe."

... 'Maybe?' They'd be able to Load back and know for sure, wouldn't they? Interesting. Guess there's still too many variables. Or maybe it's just to throw me off. "Hmm. Well, it's your choice, isn't it? They'll listen to you, no matter what you choose." Frisk finally looked up again, and I continued. "Either way, I'd like to help, if I can. I want to see monsters get through this safely, too."

... hopefully that bit of honesty won't set off Chara in the future. Maybe they'll even agree. 

"Okay." Frisk tugged at the shirt a little more. "... thank you."

"You're welcome, kid. Though, uh... I do have more to cover." The REAL reason I wanted to talk to them. "Resets aren't the only secret I'm worried about. There's someone else that we're forgetting, isn't there?"

Frisk was silent. Of course they'd clam up - Asriel wanted this to be a secret, and it makes things more complicated. But there isn't much choice.

"Someone that wants to be kept secret. Someone that can't be, since the game is rather clear about who broke the Barrier. Someone that a lot of surface fanboys are going to throw a fit over if we don't try to save them.

Asriel."

Frisk stared at me, and shook their head. "Doesn't want to come back."

"I know. Doesn't mean he shouldn't." I sighed. Where to start on the problems this'd cause...? "He won't be able to hide away anymore. Once word gets out, there's gonna be a search for him, whether he wants it or not. So far I've tried to be quiet, since I don't know the best thing to do, but... we have to do SOMETHING. I already know he's trying to hide underground, starting at... er, the flower patch you fell on." Let's not invoke Chara's name, thank you.

Frisk groaned unhappily.

"Yeah, I know. It's gonna be a pain. And as far as I can tell, Asriel doesn't want to be forgiven for what he's done. But there are a LOT of fans on the surface that aren't happy with the ending he got. Finding a way to save him is one of the more popular fanfiction topics. If we don't do something now, before he turns back into a flower, someone is gonna do something stupid eventually. And between how popular the idea of giving him a human SOUL is and how much of a problem Omega Flowey can be... I don't think that would end well."

The kid frowned. "Would... someone really do that?"

"I don't know." I admitted, "But I will say that I can already think of the loophole of someone putting it in their will to send over their SOUL from their deathbed. Assuming we can't get a few from the graveyard twenty minutes away, for that matter."

Frisk paled again. "Would... would that work...?"

At least they seem interested in saving him. "I don't know. Kinda doubt it, considering what happened with Omega Flowey. But those souls were drained of Determination and not exactly fresh, so who knows? And we don't have any idea what level of compassion they might have had... or if what Asriel gained from stealing the monster SOULs for your fight can stick if we find a way to keep him from turning back into a flower. Meaning we need to act now."

... I'm pushing a little hard, aren't I? "I mean... if you want to. I don't want to deal with Flowey again, but..."

"Let's do it."

That's... a much firmer voice from them. I glanced over at the narrow-eyed, stoic look Frisk was giving me. "... that's the face of Determination, alright."

Their lips twitched upwards. "Mm-hmm."

I smiled back. "Right. I guess the next problem is how. First thing would be to find him... and I think I know the skeleton for the job."

Their smile faded. "I'm... not sure he'd want to help."

Oh, but I've been thinking about that. Papyrus isn't the ONLY thing that motivates Sans... "Don't worry about that. I've got a few ideas. And failing all else, this might be worth telling everyone before the game, if we have to."

Frisk wrung their hands for a moment. "... I guess. Do you want me to... call him over?"

I nodded. "Sure thing. I've got a lot to tell him anyway..."

They nodded. "Okay." Then looked down for a moment, considering, before jumping forward a few steps, arms outstretched.

I tensed up. Shit. SHIT. Why the sudden movement?! Am I about to get shanked?! They don't have the knife out, do they? Damnit, hold fast, grab them if they...

... do something other than wrap their arms around me, hugging tight. "Thank you. Thank you."

Um? Did something else happen with their voice? What are they... no, I can't do anything with the monsters watching and if I don't return this... ugh. Fine.

I hugged back, gently. "Thank you too, Frisk." And company, I added mentally. No violent outbursts so far, at least. "Is it alright if I talk to Sans?"

"Mm-hmm."

"heya. did i hear my name?"

Damnit, Sans.


	6. His Theme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humans... monsters... flowers. Without Resets as a secret... maybe you can save someone else.

Sans was lying on the roof of the critter-food-well, because of course he was. Despite the, like, 45-degree angle of the roof, and the fact that there had been no indication of him being anywhere other than the monster huddle. Which, for him, is more or less what should be expected.

Sans, ladies and gentlemen.

"How long have you been there?" I asked, letting go of Frisk as I turned to face him.

That got me a boney wink. "not as long as your face is right now, buddy. why the frown?"

I sighed. Sans. "Well, good timing. C'mon, join the huddle."

"heh. alright."

Sans rolled out of sight, then appeared adjacent to Frisk and I, between us aside from being slightly closer to the monster group by the birch tree. Because of course.

"what's up, bud?"

Despite intellectually knowing to expect this from the damned skeleton, his antics were still kinda freaking me out already. "Uh. Lots of things. But mainly, I need to talk to you about a flower."

Another wink. "i'm using 'bud' as short for 'buddy,' buddy."

Frisk giggled, infuriatingly enough. Another excuse to be blunt with Sans, or we'll be here all day. "I'm talking about a little golden flower named Flowey that's repeatedly murdered everyone underground over however many Resets it took them to get bored and wait long enough for Frisk to show up."

Maybe too blunt, if Frisk's squeaking recoil was any indication. I glanced at them, but mostly glared at Sans, hoping he'd take this seriously.

He closed both eyes, at least. "heh." Then turned his back to me, shrugging both hands out of his pockets. "that's a pretty bad joke, buddy. i mean. what kinda name's flowey?"

"A bad one. Apparently it runs in the family, if 'New Home' is any indication." Was that too subtle?

Sans chuckled, skull turning back and forth as he shook his head, hands lowering. "man. bud, i know asgore loves flowers, but he isn't their dad." Apparently not. "little better, though."

Still treating it like I'm joking around, of course. "I meant that literally, considering how this particular Determination-injected flower apparently also contained the memories and spirit of Asriel Dreemurr."

I'm not sure if Sans actually paused before starting to chuckle again, shoulders shaking slightly, or if that was just my imagination. Either way, the response wasn't promising. "man. now i _know_ you're just pulling my leg. " He raised one skeletal hand for a backhanded wave. "call me again when you got better material, bud."

Ugh. Okay, fine. "If I called myself the Legendary Fartmaster, would you change your tune?"

THIS time I know he hesitated. And I tried not to blush at Frisk's giggle at the password. But, Sans raised his arms in a shrug again.

"heh."

And flopped over backwards, lying on the grass and staring up at me. "alright, alright. i guess if you're gonna be that immature, i might as well _humer_ ya. " he said, tapping one finger at his other upper arm with a wink. Frisk giggled again. I must have missed a bone pun, because of course.

At least he wasn't just blowing me off anymore. "Thank you. You following me so far?"

"crazy flower's actually the dead prince." Sans summarized. At least he's paying attention. "bet you'll tell me it was the flower at the barrier, too."

That's better. "Yep. And broke the Barrier after absorbing the six human SOULs Asgore had, then using that power to temporarily wrench out the SOUL of nearly every monster in the Underground for a seventh."

"heh. crazy."

Ugh. Not very talkative, is he? Guess I should have expected that. "So. Another wrinkle. As Flowey, he didn't actually have a SOUL, and couldn't feel any compassion, which is part of why he turned into a genocidal lunatic. But vacuuming up all the monsters gave that back long enough for him to come to his senses and get us to this happy ending."

"ok."

... moving on. "And now, he's back to Asriel, but... after putting everyone back, he doesn't really have a SOUL of his own. For now, he's still pacified and keeping his Boss Monster form, but left alone, eventually he's gonna turn back into Flowey. And we can't just leave him to do that, since eventually some idiot Undertale fanboy's gonna find an excuse to give him their SOUL and that'd snowball into Omega Flowey slaughtering everyone."

"ok."

Yeah, wasn't really expecting that to sway him. "So we kinda need to do something about that. I mean, Asgore and Toriel wouldn't appreciate missing this opportunity to have one of their kids back. And..." I looked up at Frisk. Time for the big one. "Saving Asriel would remove the only noble reason for Frisk to Reset."

The kid flinched at that, looking up at me with their mouth wide open as Sans actually responded, head turning slightly to look at Frisk. Damnit. I'm probably gonna have to apologize to them after this, but...

"What? I... um..." Frisk stammered, looking at me for a moment before turning down to stare at Sans, tugging at their shirt nervously. The two shared a silent moment, before Sans' skull swiveled to look straight up at the sky.

"huh."

As eloquent as always. "I mean. There will still be a LOT of people trying to bully them into abusing Loads for their own gain, and, uh, admittedly, I'd be willing to forgive a few if it's to make sure monsters can get established on the surface again, but..." Hopefully Frisk understands where I'm coming from on this... "Asriel's the only good excuse to send everyone all the way back underground to get back to this one special moment again. Unless we take advantage of it now."

"and why're you telling me this?" Sans winked. "i mean. it sounds like you already know i'm a lazybones."

"Because if anyone can find a shortcut to saving Asriel, it's you." I countered. "... besides. I wouldn't be surprised if you already knew half of this, anyway."

Sans snorted out a laugh. "buddy. where'd you get that idea?"

"Because you're incredibly perceptive, and the game drops a few hints about your background. And perhaps your REAL job." You don't cross-class High Judge and Court Jester with Spymaster-level charisma and mobility without knowing exactly what you're doing. To say nothing of the badge in his lab, whether it's for scientific or Time Cop purposes...

On that note. "Speaking of which. I'm not going to pretend I'm capable of keeping anything from you, so I'm giving you Indigo access." ... why did I make that reference? All I know about Paranoia is overhearing that one campaign from a friend where he used that line. "Er, by which I mean, I'm gonna let you go straight onto the human internet to look up whatever you want. I mean, you could just shortcut up to it anyway, couldn't you?"

Sans just chuckled, shaking his head/skull.

Whatever. I'm not going to indulge his bullshit. I pointed up at the house, at the near corner from where we were in the yard. "Mom's office is on the other side of the house, second floor right about there on the far side. That's probably the best place for you to look up whatever. Just don't go too crazy with what you search for. Ending up on some terrorism watchlist would attract more attention than we need."

"ok."

"Barricade the door or something if you find it necessary, but, uh, I think I can trust your judgment about what's worth acting on." I'll have to think about what to do with the other computers, though... Bah. I'll come up with something. Hopefully. Though if Sans is doing that I can't really just set up Steam on offline mode and kill the router... damnit.

"so, uh. how's that supposed to help with the prince?" Sans actually asked.

Huh. Guess he's at least a little willing to stay on topic. "I can think of a few things. Like showing I'm not trying to bullshit you. And letting you see whatever of Frisk's adventure you missed while watching over 'em underground." I squinted at Frisk for a moment. "Though I doubt they'll need the review."

Frisk glanced up at me, shook their head, and looked back down at Sans. Hope that keeps Chara disinterested for now. No need to give away the presence of their OWN Genocide runs...

"ok."

"And... like I told Frisk, saving Asriel is a pretty popular fanfiction topic. That could be a useful resource for trying to figure out what to do with him. Though we can probably rule out most of the stuff that could be done entirely with stuff Underground - he probably tried all of that during his kinder runs as Flowey."

"huh. really?"

Well, if the Genocide route line about not wanting to live in a world without love is any indication... "Probably? Pretty sure one motive that stuck with Asriel was wanting to regain his compassion, but it sounds like he lost hope for that a long time ago, and right now he's too busy beating himself up over what he's done to consider coming back now that something HAS worked."

Sans turned slightly to stare at me again. "sounds like he isn't interested."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead with a palm. "Yeah, that would be one of the other problems. But considering how many others want to see him get a better ending... I really think it's worth giving it an honest try anyway."

"sounds like a lotta work, bud." The little lights in his eyes flicked in the general direction of the monster squad. "so, uh, question for ya. any reason you aren't just telling asgore?"

Of course the lazybones would try to fob off responsibility. Although he DOES have a good question... but I've got a counter. "Remember what I said about trying things in other Resets? Kid's probably been smothered in unreturnable love in enough timelines already. Might cause more trouble than it's worth to spring it on him again first thing. And if I recall right, Asriel specifically requested not to have Asgore and Toriel find out, so he doesn't break their heart all over again. Right?"

I looked up at Frisk, raising an eyebrow. They glanced up briefly and nodded, clearly preferring to watch Sans instead of me. I'm... not good with kids, apparently.

"... yeah. I could kinda respect doing that based on the game events, but... surface situation as it is, there's no way to keep that a secret anymore, is there? So I'm still thinking the best solution is to try and make sure he CAN stay, then convince him to stick around."

"and how're you gonna do that?"

I sighed again. "That would be the hard part. I don't know. There's... a lot of possibilities, if the fics would be of any use. Maybe he's wrong about turning back at all, but I doubt it." Flowey's reappearance after the standard True Pacifist end is a thing, after all... that would be too easy. "Reconnecting to the SOUL link from his parents makes some sense but would have been tried already, along with any other pure-monster-magic stuff. Playing with human SOULs or something else on the surface would make more sense. Maybe human food...?" Adding physical matter did feel like an easy loophole to the Determination melting monsters issue, honestly. If human food is that special at all. Alphys would have tried water already, wouldn't she...? Wait.

"bud. what makes you think i'm cut out for that kinda work, huh?"

Those eyes boring into me again... at least my brain's on the right track to give a good answer to that. "Well. First of all I'm pretty sure you're underselling yourself." The eye-lights rolled dismissively. "Secondly. I'm not gonna ask you to do it alone. I mean... Alphys is the resident SOUL expert, right? And she watched most of what happened already... and this is the sort of situation where gambling on mad science won't hurt." Much. Hopefully. "Especially if she feels like redeeming herself about this one last thing she could be considered responsible for..."

Despite the eternal chuckle, Sans' voice turned slightly... gruff? "isn't her fault."

Not gonna be that easy, Sans. "Will she think that?"

"bud. alph doesn't deserve to get dragged into this."

I was getting fidgety under Sans' gaze. Ugh, don't lose it, Jer, this is too important. "I know. But she's the one with the knowledge and talents to have any idea if Asriel makes a genuine recovery. Still... if you're sure you won't need her help, then I won't object to dragging me into it, instead. Uh, if you can get away with it. I'm probably gonna be pretty busy with everything else on the surface, but..."

"sounds like you're willing to take this seriously, huh?"

"I'm trying to. Is it too much to ask for you to do the same?" Er, maybe I shouldn't be so bitter...

He just winked. "heh. nah, you know my style."

I groaned. Unfortunately, yes. 

Frisk to the rescue, thank goodness. They knelt down and squeezed at the shoulder of Sans' hoodie, begging quietly: "Sans. ... Please." Wonder if they're grabbing shoulderblade under there, or...?

At least Sans' eyes left me again, and he hummed for a moment as he looked over Frisk's solemn face. "hmm... ah, jeez. how'm i supposed to say no to a face like that?" He sighed again. "alright. guess i can spare an eyesocket for the kid."

Frisk let out a cheerful little high-pitched, uh, noise, and wrapped their arms around Sans' skull in an awkward sort of hug. Hopefully I contributed something to that decision...?

"Thanks, Sans." I offered, trying to stay sincere.

Sans shrugged against the child leaning over them. "eh, i owed frisk for the whole barrier thingamajig, you know? but you, uh..."

I straightened up. Uhoh. Here it comes. "I definitely owe you."

"huh? i guess. though i was thinking of asking to borrow something that might help."

"Whatever you want, Sans." Was that too eager? Desperate? Whichever's more accurate at this point.

"heh." Sans reached down with one hand to scratch at the back of his shorts, rolled aside and -- wait, when did my laptop get under there? "mind if i take this along?"

I'd... left the laptop on the grass when I panicked earlier. So Sans swiped it, of course. Well, better than being broken or lost by the others, at least. In fact... "That would be useful to help explain the situation to Asriel without having to actually say all of it, wouldn't it?" Looks like he was a step ahead of me on this one...

"heh. yep." Sans said, rolling back over it. Hopefully not crushing it. (What am I worried about, he isn't even skin and bones... heh.)

Wait... there's a second thought, too. "In fact... I wonder if seeing how many fans there are online might help encourage him? If we can get human internet access on there, there's a 'Soulful Asriel' thing that sorta touches on the idea... but, uh, that's not the point right now. Go ahead and take it. And, um, pretty much whatever else you need? Uh, within reason. I'd like to keep the house intact for when the family gets back. Probably worth raiding the fridge at least..." While a lazy solution, human food is an easy, pre-prepared something to throw at the wall to see if it sticks.

"cool. thanks, bud. makes my job easier." he gave me a skeletal thumbs-up as Frisk detached themselves. (Theirself? Themself? Goddamnit the grade-school grammar Nazi in me is throwing a fit over this.)

"Let's hope so. Just... uh..." Time for a stupid request, but it shouldn't be TOO unreasonable... "I do have a copy of the game installed on there, but I'd rather you didn't, er, erase my savefile on it. It's the main one I first played through with, so I want to keep it around. Consider it a..." Wait. STOP. At least I managed to bite my tongue before calling it a 'perverted sentimentality.' No need to dig my grave any deeper... "Please?"

I fidgeted a little under Sans' stare again. "huh. thanks for letting me know." He winked. "good communication is important."

Yeah, he caught that. Damnit. Well, I'm fine with explaining it to him later, but not with maybe-omnicidal-demon-child-Chara standing three feet away. He can probably tell I'm trying not to look at them right now, too. Damnit Sans. Well, all in good time. Hopefully. Can I get a distraction in here?

"Thank you. Um... and if you really think springing the whole Asriel mess on everyone early would be worth it, don't let me stop you. I'd LIKE to find an ideal solution without stressing the kid out too much, but... I'll trust your judgment on how to handle it."

... even though I know there's at least one fic with Sans cornering Asriel for a mercy kill to prevent the Flowey situation, though secrecy was an option in that scenario if I recall correctly. Oh, and now he's staring at my face while pondering that and might as well be reading my mind. Fuck.

"heh. welp."

Without warning or fanfare, Sans was no longer lying on the ground, his poofy slippers now standing flat as if he'd simply rotated onto his feet too quickly to see. "all this crazy talk's making me hungry. i'm going to grillby's."

That's... not the most promising response. "Not your only stop, I take it?"

"probably. frisk, you thinking fries or burg?"

Frisk rubbed a finger on their lower lip for a moment, considering. "Burg."

"changing it up on me, huh? 'kay. if i got leftovers i'll bring 'em." He raised one hand in a backhanded wave to me, walking past Frisk and ruffling their hair as he headed off into the treeline. "later, kiddo."

It didn't take long for Sans to completely vanish behind a treetrunk that probably shouldn't have hidden him at all, and I let out a breath I hadn't really realized I was holding. Okay, that WAS pretty nerve-wracking, all things considered. But the lazybones is on the job now, right? Er, he did... he DID take my laptop, there's no trace of it on the ground anymore despite having no indication that he ever touched it. Because Sans. 

But now Frisk seems to be frowning at me. 

"I think I owe you another apology." I said quietly, looking back down at the ground. 

After a moment, they shook their head, expression softening. "Mmmn. It's okay." 

Would Frisk really say anything else? "I'd like to think I was fair about playing tough with him to help with Asriel, but maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh about uh... the whole Resetting thing." 

Frisk was silent for a long moment. "It's... in the game, right?" 

Guess they understand that much... "Yeah. So he'd have found out in five minutes anyway. And Sans seems like the sort to consider time travel shenanigans a possibility either way. But uh... sorry about singling you out like that." 

"It's okay. I..." they wrapped their arms around their body, ducking into the oversized shirt a little bit. "I understand what he's worried about..." 

VERY interesting. Though there's no promise Frisk is talking about their OWN Resets... Let's use the scapegoat. "Yeah... you saw what that kind of power did to Flowey. Thanks for understanding. But uh..." I really hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew here, but... they need to know about this, too. "He... won't be the only one. I do want to... warn you that other people are going to react... differently to the Resets and Loading thing. People that want to force you to use it for them, people that want to make it so you can NEVER use it, people that get angry about it existing at all... so uh... things are going to get complicated." 

A tiny nod. "Mmm." 

"I'd like to think I'm trying to be fair about it with you, but, uh, this is one of those situations where it's hard to know if there even IS a right answer. There's just... so much that could be done with that kind of time travel nonsense. But... well. Frisk, if your track record for getting the monsters out is any indication..." ... what's the best way to word this... ah. "In the hands of someone like that, I'm not too worried." If they change or their headmate takes over, however... 

They looked up again, with a small smile. "Really?" 

... couldn't help but return it. "Yeah. But take care of yourself too, okay? It sounds like you're the sort to try and fix everything, but... time travel or no, there's still gonna be limits to what you can do, especially on your own." Hopefully. There's no indication Genocide gets past the Barrier on its own, after all. And if we're talking Pacifrisk, I know enough about global death rates to bet a few thousand humans have kicked it since Sans left the conversation, so... 

But Frisk seemed mostly confused by this advice. "I... did need everyone's help?" 

Er. Oops. Guess they're still focused on managing to break the Barrier. How to put this... "Er... you're right. That's not exactly what I'm thinking of, though." Well, it's part of it, but not the part I want to focus on for Frisk theirself. Remembering that it's ultimately boring to kill everyone is more of a deterrent for omnicide. "I mean... hmmm. Sometimes... sometimes even with being able to go back in time, there are things you can't do with the help you have available. Or at least, where trying to fix something isn't worth the effect it'd have on you just from going through the attempts. You know?" 

They looked thoughtful for a moment, a finger to their lips again. "Hmm..." 

"And that's, uh, probably about all the moralizing I should do about Resets, honestly. You're gonna do what you're gonna do, after all. Just use it wisely." It's kinda a cliché at this point, but I'll say it anyway. "With great power comes great responsibility... be good, alright?" 

The face of Determination returned. "I will." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, the Soulful Asriel situation mentioned can be found here: <http://soulful-asriel.tumblr.com/>


	7. something I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting the monsters' trust isn't quite as easy as it sounds. Especially that one.

I didn't get to lounge much longer after Frisk left to make a final decision with the monsters. Most of it was spent fretting over whether I'd said anything stupid or self-destructive to Sans or Frisk and trying to work off some of the nervous energy by stretching on the grass. At least it's nice out. Let's not worry about the birds singing.

But soon enough a troupe of quiet footsteps approached from behind, and Asgore cleared his throat. "Er-hrm... Jeremy?"

That's my cue to turn around, sitting crosslegged on the grass in front of the monsters. Asgore and Undyne were up front, giving me a little smile and a firm glare, respectively. Papyrus was close behind Asgore, rocking on his boots a bit while sweating _(how)_ and glancing back at Toriel and Frisk, who were engaged in a quiet hug. This wasn't too unusual, though I was a little surprised to find Alphys directly behind Undyne, claws tapping away at a bright pink smartphone.

Huh. Well, that's enough staring to take in the situation. "Heya. So, uh, should I be offering to help or running away in terror?"

The king shook for a moment as he chucked, and Undyne's jaw tightened. Based on body language, relaxing on the ground made my preferred answer pretty obvious.

"While I do not know what you discussed with Frisk," Okay, Boss Monster ears aren't TOO superhuman, probably, "They have made it quite clear that they wish to see your plan through."

Huh. That's a relief. I gave him a nod. "Cool. Any particular way you want to start this off, then?"

Asgore pushed his cape aside to raise a large, pawpaddened hand towards me. "However. We er... have a few requests of you before we begin."

Demands? I guess that does make sense. Maybe I should have expected that? "Alright. No promises, but I'll try."

Asgore's hand lowered and he nodded, solemn-faced. "First, er... while the help you have already offered is appreciated, I would like to request your assistance as an adviser about humans on the surface, as well."

Hmm. Interesting. He's got a point, they'll need that. But... "Hmm. I guess I can do that, but er... I should warn you in advance: A lot of what I know about is more abstract than practical. Especially when it comes to surface politics." Stupid opinions. Stupid detachment. Stupid evolution... "... and I'm not entirely mainstream on that front, either. So I uh... honestly, I might end up making a weird first impression. But that's probably better than nothing at this point, right?"

Asgore nodded again, smile returning. "I believe it is. Thank you, Jeremy."

Undyne stepped forward. "Second. You uh... you've been saying a lotta things that make me want to think you're not TOO bad, Jerry." There's the name thing again. A webbed claw shot out to point at my face, and the fins on Undyne's cheeks briefly flared out for emphasis. "But!! If ANYONE gets hurt you WILL pay for it. Got it?!"

I raised an eyebrow at her, because... obviously? "Well, yeah. Anyone gets dusted and you have my full permission to murder me and do whatever you want with the SOUL. I assumed that was a given."

Undyne's cheek-fins wilted a little at that as she stared, but quickly recovered, yanking her hand back. "Tch! Well... talk is cheap, Jerry! Don't forget that!!" A yellowy eye narrowed at me. "I've got my eye on you."

Well I'm not about to stop making this easy on her. "As you should. No objections here." Although... "Maybe I _should_ put that in writing, though..." I already mentioned the will loophole and if the monsters' first meeting ends with a human corpse, that wouldn't be a good impression to make... would writing something out for surface lawyer bullshit help limit the fallout if there's a misunderstanding or if I end up doing something stupid to try and contain a genocidal Chara? Hmm...

"I do not believe that will be necessary, Jeremy." Asgore added.

He's... probably right. Under the circumstances even if I go out of the way for stronger stuff like fingerprinting or DNA evidence or whatever, it won't change many minds. "... yeah, I guess I'm overthinking it. Still, uh, be careful about the circumstances if it comes to that, right?"

Asgore blinked, that dopey look sneaking over his face once more. "Circumstances?"

Guess my mental tangent was a little far off course. "Er... if we DO end up with the whole surrendering my SOUL situation, be careful how you handle it with the rest of humanity. Most won't like it."

The king's face fell. "I hope that it does not come to that, Jeremy."

I stole a quick glance at Frisk and Toriel as they broke off their hug and approached the group. "Me neither. But better to be prepared, right?"

Asgore frowned. "Perhaps. But I am not certain you should offer up your SOUL at all..."

I shrugged. "Hey, it's not like I'd be using it anymore, would I?"

Papyrus made a strange squeaking noise from where he was hovering by Asgore's shoulder, still sweating profusely. His teeth clacked together, and I had the impression he was trying very, very hard to keep his mouth shut.

I tried to give him a soft smile. "Sorry, Papyrus. I, uh, can be pretty blunt."

His eyesockets briefly darted towards Asgore and Undyne, teeth clicking again.

Undyne quickly slipped behind Asgore to give Paps a hearty clap on the back, her hand making a rather wet slap against his 'battle body.' "Oh go on, Papyrus, it's your turn anyway!"

That got him going quickly enough. "OH! UM! YES!!! HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY! THE GREAT PAPYRUS ALSO HAS A REQUEST TO DEMAND OF YOU! A DEMAND TO REQUEST OF YOU??" His eyesockets squinted and shifted curiously for a moment. How. "YOU WILL!! LET ME MAKE YOU THANK-YOU SPAGHETTI FOR THE HELP YOU ARE OFFERING!!"

Oh. Uh. That could be a problem. I'm not exactly experimentive with food, and Sans' line about actually making something edible is concerning. To say nothing of my honest reluctance to eat it if I don't like it would mean when Sans finds out, because of course he will. I glanced past the monsters at the few larger trees in the side yard and distant treeline for any sign of an eavesdropping skeleton. There were none, but that could change at any moment.

Shit. How am I going to get around this? There's no polite way to actually decline Papyrus' cooking, but... well, maybe there's another excuse.

"Well..." I started, "I certainly appreciate the thought, Papyrus, but I'm not sure how well that would work out."

From nowhere, comically bulging white... not-quite-eyeballs appeared on Papyrus' face. "WHAT?! NO!! HUMAN JEREMY! I MUST-- I MUST INSIST ON MAKING SPAGHETTI FOR YOU! FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP!!"

"Jerry." Undyne growled.

I raised my hands a little, trying to placate the two. "Hey, hey. I, uh, was just thinking that human food is different from monster food, right? So we probably don't have what Papyrus needs to make his spaghetti." Okay, so that's not ALL of it, but it's one problem with the whole mess...

Papyrus gasped, grabbing his skull with both hands. "OH NO!! HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY IS RIGHT!! BUT! BUT PERHAPS YOU HAVE HUMAN SPAGHETTI?? YOU MUST! IT IS THE GREATEST OF CULINARY ARTS!!"

... unfortunately, we DO tend to have basic spaghetti noodles and pasta in the cupboards at home. Damnit, Papyrus. "You... know, I think we do. But uh..." Okay, time for plan B. Give Undyne the stinkeye. "My parents DO have a pretty strict rule about not burning the house down."

Undyne looked genuinely offended. "What, I'm not gonna do that as a GUEST!!"

Fair point. But still... hmm. Maybe... "Guess that's true. But I think I'd be more comfortable if someone with a good cooking record was there to supervise." And I know just the goat. "Er, Toriel... I don't suppose you have any requests for me?"

Toriel blinked once at me, shot a dirty look at Asgore's back, and shook her head. "I do not. In fact, I did intend to offer to help with the house, to make up for us imposing upon you. I will help Papyrus, if you wish."

Phew. Well, that's a rather convenient relief. Though it does make sense. "I think that would work, Tori. Thanks."

"It is not a problem."

"WOWIE! NOT ONLY DOES THE GREAT PAPYRUS MAKE THE FIRST MONSTER-MADE HUMAN SPAGHETTI, BUT I GET TO DO IT WITH MISS Y--- MISS TORIEL!"

It's gonna take him a while to get used to the Toriel thing. Quite possibly long enough for the royals to get back together, if that becomes a possibility. Wouldn't that be amusing?

"U-um!"

But I guess we aren't done here, if Alphys speaking up is any indication. I looked over to see the little lizard still clutching her phone tightly, glancing at me and away nervously as Undyne stroked her back with a hand.

Hm. Knowing Alphys I should avoid looking her in the eye, too. "I guess you've got a request too, Alphys?"

"Um! Y-yes? I um! I er. M-miss Toriel! Said that! Er!"

Poor girl. Kinda wish I could just blurt it out, since I can already guess... but I should be patient, especially if I'm going to bully her into helping Asriel later. So I just tapped my fists on the grass, waiting.

"That um! You would! Be able to l-let us use the... the human internet?" she finally finished, fidgeting nervously.

"That's part of the plan, yeah." I agreed, trying not to stare at her, "Though I'd rather not get you guys overwhelmed by twenty thousand Undertale fanfics before we have a chance to smooth out some other stuff. Still, might as well get started on figuring out the logistics. I'm guessing most of the Undernet is already based on salvaged human tech, right?"

"Ah, y-yes! I mean, basically? We had to change a f-few things due to, er... access issues? But I don't think it'd be too difficult t-to hook up to your network!" She seemed a fair bit more comfortable now, at least.

"Good. I dunno how we're gonna get a signal all the way underground if it comes to that, but I'm guessing you could jury-rig some sort of ethernet cable setup or wifi boosters if you had to?"

I'm pretty sure that's a smirk. "Naturally." Not that it lasted long. "But uh, when we do, um... can I...?"

Should I let her finish...? I glanced at Undyne, but she didn't really give any hints. Fine, maybe a leading question. "I'm guessing you want to do something with that, right?"

"Y-yes! O-on the um... DVDs you er, l-let us borrow? There's, um, a website listed? And, er... t-there'd be more anime stuff there, r-right?" Man, her voice can get REALLY high-pitched.

But there we go. NOW I can pounce. "There are a lot of places on the human internet to look up anime stuff. Or, uh, download episodes to watch." Legally or otherwise...

Her face lit up. "REALLY?! WHERE?!"

I raised my hands again. "Wait, wait. I don't know exact details off the top of my head, but it shouldn't be hard to find. Just, uh. I think we have bandwidth restrictions on our internet, so could I ask you to stick to just downloading one season, for now?"

Alphys' enthusiasm was unfazed. "Of course! That's s-still plenty!"

Well, that went smoothly enough. Alphys isn't difficult to please, thank goodness. "Sooner or later it should be easy enough to set up your own direct access, but for now, we're gonna have to show some restraint while playing off of the home connection here. Alright?"

She nodded eagerly. "Y-yeah! Don't worry, I can wait! Er, a l-little while?"

Yeah, time is gonna be an issue sooner or later. But... "Works for me. Uh... anything else I should be concerned about?"

Alphys looked down at her phone, fidgeting again. "Um... well..."

Let's see, who else is here... oh, of course. "Let me guess, Frisk has a request, too?" I looked over at the little stinker.

... I'm not sure if I should have been surprised when they looked at me, blinked a few times, stared over at the critter-feeder-well area for a moment, then turned back with a smile and shook their head.

So much for me trying to be the smart one. "Maybe not..."

"Um, h-here."

Wait, what? Alphys why are you handing me your phone? Why is the screen covered in pastel colors with the main window surrounded by shoujo-styled flower borders? Why is there a timer with a call from "SUPER☆STAR"? Why is there a vaguely familiar chibified anime catgirl character hanging from the lower-left corner of the window, like those, uh, shinmeiji things? Shimeji? Whatever. Hey, wait a second.

"Is that Mew Mew?"

"HECK YEAH!" "Y-yeah!" the lesbianite nerd duet chorused.

"Ah. Does she still have that silly toy enabled?" A smoothly tinny voice added from the phone receiver.

A few things connected in my head as Alphys' face puckered in irritation. Oh. Lovely. "Mettaton."

"Exactly, darling," the voice over the phone robo-purred, "And you must be the Jeremy human I've been hearing about, hmm?"

Great. Just who I didn't want to deal with. But... damnit, I do owe him for stalling his dreams like this. Ugggh. "... yeah. I'm guessing you're not too happy with me."

"Ha, ha ha." That is some impressively insincere laughter. "Well. It may have been too late if my camera crew was on time."

"HEY!" a distant second voice cried from Mettaton's end of the call, before the line went silent. I raised an eyebrow at the phone, but after a few seconds a click brought it back off of mute (I guess?).

"Sorry, darling, it's just terrible finding good help these days." Mettaton continued. Wonder if that was Burgerpants.

But I'd rather not drag this out. "I'm guessing you want something too, right?"

"Quick on the uptake. It IS appreciated." Mettaton replied, "And you were QUITE right about me wanting to command the news exposé. But really, I know that my fans would not be satisfied with just a frivolous news announcement, even from me!"

"It's not frivolous when it's about not getting monsters carpet bombed into oblivion." I growled back.

He laughed again, somewhat more sincerely. "Goodness, you ARE dramatic. Well, do keep up the attitude, Jeremy darling, it will make our interview MUCH more interesting."

I blinked. "Uh, wait, interview?" Shit.

"See you soon." Click.

I glared at the phone as the call timer ended, blinking, before the window vanished to reveal a (naturally) Mew Mew themed phone background. The Mew Mew shimeji toppled to the 'floor' of the screen, faceplanted, and rubbed her head before hopping up and munching on an unsavory-looking cone of green ice cream. Snail, presumably.

"Um, s-sorry." Alphys said, pulling the phone away. She flinched back slightly as I looked up at her, before I'd managed to turn off the glare/annoyance mode Mettaton's little stunt had brought on.

I fought for a moment to soften the expression. "... sorry. He uh. Isn't exactly my favorite." Self-centered ambition REALLY pisses me off. And after a few years working retail, I'm not especially happy about Burgerpants' stories, either.

Alphys laughed nervously, fumbling with her phone and avoiding eye contact. "Ah, ahaha, he, er, isn't um, always so bad? When he's, um, in a better mood."

"Yeah, probably." I admitted, trying to focus on the grass instead of making her more nervous. "Doesn't mean I'm gonna really get along with his style, but..."

"DO NOT WORRY HUMAN FRIEND JEREMY!" Papyrus strikes again. "I AM SURE METTATON WILL GROW ON YOU! WHY, HE IS ALMOST AS GREAT AS PAPYRUS! NYEH HEH HEH!!"

I shot him a less than friendly look. Yeah, Paps, I don't mind YOUR narcissism since you're thoroughly harmless and go out of your way to be nice to others, but... you don't put your reputation before doing the right thing, for all the short-sighted rationalization Mettaton put into attempted murder on live television for ratings.

But out loud, I just said, "We'll see." And that felt like a good point to stand up and stretch my arms up with a sigh. "So. Now what? How long's it gonna take him to get here?"

"A f-few minutes." Alphys answered. "I g-gave him directions?"

Hopefully he won't get sidetracked anywhere he shouldn't be. "Alright. Anything we should do in the meantime?"

"I would like to prepare my announcement, in fact." Asgore spoke up. "Er... I don't suppose you could spare a pen and paper?"


	8. Knows best for you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tough talk with Toriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got REALLY out of control once I got past the, like, four false starts. I apologize in advance.

As it turned out, Asgore wasn't very interested in going inside the house: Just the paper, to plan his speech with Frisk and Papyrus on the lawn. Some spare printer paper and disused writing supplies from my desk were enough to satisfy him, though Frisk did have to remind him not to lose pages to the irregular afternoon breezes.

So that kept about half the crew busy, for now. Undyne started off following me warily, but after showing Alphys my PC ("Windows XP? Really?") and extracting the network login details for her to record in her phone, she admitted that there wasn't much to do with it until she could get back to the lab. But first...

"W-where's your anime?"

Well. Of course. I had a feeling that Mel took most of the anime with her when she moved out, but I did end up taking the triad of monster ladies up to the second floor, past the kitchen, and then to the attic in search of entertainment materials. Once upon a time, the attic was fully furnished and functionally a third floor, but at this point it was more or less a disused library of aging books. And old game consoles, now that I'm actually up here looking. It took a little while to find the anime/manga collection (it was pretty much all still here, just hidden in a cabinet), but man, did Alphys appreciate it.

" _that's almost a full series there's no water damage at all oh my god is that a full shelf of Inuyasha how much of that IS there is that the full showing of Ranma one-half oh my goooooood_ "

Though the ear-piering dino shrieks DID get kind of old. I hung back with Toriel as Undyne eased her girlfriend through calming herself and then... swiped one of the wicker baskets at the top of the attic stairs?

I gave the fish an annoyed frown. "Oi."

"What, you want me to take the whole cabinet, Jerry?" She shot back, with a particularly toothy grin, "You really think we're just gonna LEAVE all that here?!"

I groaned. Damnit. Well, no, it would take the pressure off of Alphys wanting to rip and tear through everything on the internet immediately, at least. "Guh, alright, alright, you can borrow those too. Just be careful with 'em, alright?"

"YES!" Alphys shouted, then clapped her hands over her mouth for a moment before continuing, "Er, y-yes! We will! Take good care of it!"

I sighed and shook my head at Undyne as she took to shoveling the several-dozen books and DVDs (and wow, we still have the Slayers VHS tapes?) into the basket. Alphys stuck to poring over the sole issue of Azumanga Daioh manga that had been squirreled away.

I wonder if Undyne is more Sasaki or Tomo... was it Tomo? What was the hyperactive girl's name again? It's been so long... Damnit, wait, no, not right now, brain. There's more important things to do. Like grabbing the other basket lying around and starting to pile on some more practical books now that I noticed them up here: Good reading to have available, whether before or after the whole Undertale experience. In particular, the old Economics and Street Law textbooks from my college days could be very handy for giving Asgore an idea of what we're getting into...

The sound of overpriced educational tomes slamming down made Toriel look up from the cookbook she'd been browsing. Where'd her spectacles come from, anyway? "Are you collecting your own reading material, Jeremy?"

"Uh. Kinda? Mostly stuff that could be useful for explaining the surface situation without giving a lecture." Let's see, those're the important textbooks, the next bookcase looks like it's Mom's Agatha Christie collection and young adult fiction: that's not exactly helpful right now...

"Hah! Jealous of us getting the first choice, huh?!" Jesus, Undyne was already finished with the anime cabinet? Then again, I guess it's her we're talking about.

No need to rile her up right now. "I guess. I'm looking more for stuff that'd be useful to explain things rather than entertainment, though." ... er, maybe that wasn't as inoffensive as I'd hoped. I glanced over as she came into sight, overloaded basket of anime on one shoulder.

... and rolled her good eye, so she didn't seem to take offense. Phew. "So REALLY boring nerd crap, huh? What, you think you can BORE us to death, Jerry?!"

That earned her a scowl. "Not really, no. Just trying to cut off problems from culture shock, if I can."

Undyne stomped a foot, and the floor creaked in protest. "UURGH, you're no fun!"

"... uh, what?" Was she... teasing?

I think that's a smirk behind all the teeth. "What, did you already forget your own advice, Jerry?" And now it's gone, and that's Undyne's serious face. "I'm giving you a chance. Don't waste it."

Well then. Yes, I am terribly forgetful. "Er. Yes ma'am."

Her enthusiasm returned. "GOOD! See you outside, nerd! C'mon, babe!"

Alphys' only response from around the bookshelf corner was to giggle. Guess she was enjoying the 4koma comedy. And... not moving, apparently.

"Babe?... Uh... Alphys?"

"Huh? Oh! OH!" She waddled around the corner, cheeks pink. "S-sorry Undyne, I just, uh..."

Undyne swung around to give the little lizard a one-armed half-hug. "It's okay. Let's get this down to the lab, right?!"

Alphys blushed harder at the touch. "R-right!" she squeaked, before slipping away from Undyne's arm and heading back down the attic stairs.

Fishlady watched her go with a grin, then gave me a stern glare... then turned to Toriel with the same expression. "Don't do anything stupid."

And left, squeezing the basket in front of her to make it down the narrow set of stairs to the attic.

... guess she really means the giving me a chance part, huh? Actually leaving me to my own devices, and...

Wait. I'm alone in a room with Toriel, and now I remember how she was trying to comfort Frisk after how blunt I'd been about the plan with Asriel. And she just put the glasses away to give me a stern frown. Shit.

"So, how much trouble am I in?" I asked, which only made her frown more.

"You are one to expect the worst, are you not?" 

"Yeah, pretty much. Am I right?"

She stared for a moment longer, then sighed. "I suppose I would be angrier if Frisk had not told me that you were not to blame for them being upset. But... I will admit I am still concerned."

"Can't blame you there. I, uh, was kind of blunt about the situation with them." To say nothing of how forgiving Frisk is, whether people really deserve it or not...

"As I had gathered." Toriel replied, "That was about the urgent issue you mentioned, was it not?"

I gave her a little nod, though it was hard to meet that stern look. "Yeah, pretty much. Sans is on the job, amazingly enough." Probably. Hopefully.

She pursed her lips again. "While his brother has said much of Sans being lazy, I do not doubt his ability." And then, a smile. "I do expect that anyone that tries to stop him would be quite _boned!_ "

... really? Are you serious? I stared at her for a moment, groaned, and pinched the bridge of my nose, while she giggled at her own joke. I've been trying to appreciate stupid little jokes more after going through Undertale, but seriously...

At least she sobered up after a little. "After all, he did well in protecting Frisk, did he not?"

... yeah, about that. Dead where you stand, right? Let's, uh, not give away the details on that right now. "I guess. Getting him started is the hard part."

She was silent for a moment. "... I suppose I cannot argue with that." Interesting. Guess there was more to their door conversations than first hinted. "Still! I feel that the matter is under control, is it not? I trust that the rest of us will hear of the results soon enough."

You're patient now, Tori, but I bet you wouldn't be if I'd given away the details... still, good to get that pressure off. "Yeah. Thanks for understanding."

Toriel gave me a small smile and nodded. "Of course." the smile faded. "However, I have noticed something else. This house is... rather large for one person, is it not? And it was not only your name on the artwork, was it?"

Ah. Shit. I should have known something was up when Toriel hesitated on the stairs. I'd managed to keep Undyne and Alphys from mocking the childhood drawings with the distraction of trying to find whatever anime was left, but Toriel was a bit more perceptive.

Ugh. My family situation isn't relevant, damnit. But I guess I can indulge her. "Yeah. I'm alone this week, conveniently enough." To say nothing of any paranoid concerns I have about THAT. I'm pretty skeptical of mere coincidence when things line up this much...though what exactly to blame for it is another headache entirely.

"Does this happen often?"

I see-sawed my hand in an 'ehh' sort of gesture. "Kind of? They usually have stuff to do on the weekends."

Toriel gave me a hurt look. "Do you mean that your parents take your siblings out without you?"

Oh. Guess she'd know the drawings were from other kids. But I didn't mean to cause that misunderstanding. "No, no, just the parents. My sisters moved out a while ago. I'm just the loser kid that stayed home to housesit and play video games since growing up is hard." That and finding independent living overrated without really having anyone appropriate to move in with, but fuck it, I know I'm the weak link here.

That didn't console her much. "I do not believe that assisting your family is something to be ashamed of, Jeremy. They do appreciate it, do they not?"

I shrugged. "Yeah. Still, not exactly a point of pride." I mean, I get along with them fine and all, but this isn't really something I want to talk about right now... I turned around to look for more books worth taking down. She'd probably get the hint.

... although while I crouched down to check one corner of low shelves, I did realize another point worth making. "Either way. They shouldn't interrupt us for a while. Plenty of time to deal with the Undertale situation and make some sort of plan for not dying."

Hmm. First thing to catch my eye is the I Spy-like books that should be gathered for Papyrus. What's in this stack, exactly? Papyrus likes puzzles and children's books, so this stuff should be up his alley... do I have anything that's also about mechanical stuff? Wait... do we still have How Things Work? That's basically a children's technical manual. Should be interesting to see what he makes of that. I got back up to start looking for--

And stiffened as Toriel abruptly hugged me from the side, catching both arms against my sides in a firmly warm grip.

"Uh... um?" I managed, startled. Quick and stealthy when she wants to be, huh?

"Jeremy." she said quietly, soothing yet firm, "You need not think so little of yourself. You are trying so hard to help us, but... I am concerned that you are much too willing to get hurt for it."

Ugh. She's worried about me, huh? I'd been trying to avoid that. I have enough problems with feeling obligated already, and the monsters really don't need to develop unhealthy attitudes about humans with just me and Frisk as a sample size... but this IS Toriel, after all. The monsters' defender of humans, no matter how dusty... even if all of mine's virtual, and much worse is out there.

Hmph.

"Young one," Toriel continued, after I'd been silent for a few seconds, "I do not know what may have made you feel that way, but please take care of yourself too, will you not?"

"I'll try." I muttered noncommittally. There's a little much at stake for me to be selfish...

She squeezed a little tighter. "Promise me, please."

Sheesh. I sighed. "Alright. I promise I won't throw my life away for nothing."

... though now that I say that, my first thought is that it couldn't really be for nothing. Even Chara's death set things in motion somehow, even if it wasn't quite the way they intended. Presumably. Probably.

Heh. Sorry, old lady. I'm better at loopholes than promises.

But she did release me, with a small sigh of her own. "I suppose that will do. Thank you, Jeremy." She gave me a small, sad smile. "I suppose it is in a mother's nature to worry."

Apparently my irritation was too powerful for me to suppress the first cynical retort to pop into my head: "Yeah, you'd know about that, wouldn't you."

The smile vanished. Shit. "Er... sorry. I can get irritable when people worry about me."

She stared silently for a moment before, mercifully, changing the subject. "There is another thing that I do not understand, Jeremy. Why are you so insistent on defending Asgore?"

Hm. That's an interesting question, coming from her. "Like I said, humans have done worse. Hardly fair to hold that over his head when he already hates himself over it and half of the other humans are gonna give him shit for it." Actually a lot more than half, to be honest... like, a LOT more.

Toriel's eyes narrowed into a glare. "They were children."

Well, that confirms that. But... well, I'm feeling blunt. "They were human invaders with a SOUL strong enough to kill however many monsters they felt like."

"They were _children!_ " Toriel repeated, with a growl. Okay, those teeth are kinda sharp. I really hope I don't end up regretting this, but this conversation needs to happen sooner or later...

"And children are perfectly capable of being callous sociopaths." I replied, trying not to cower away TOO much. Honestly, that's a standard stage in development if I recall my child psychology class correctly. To say nothing of the whole demon child situation. "And even if they weren't, how much damage could a single temper tantrum cause?"

"They were children." She glanced away. "... all alone, with nowhere to go. Someone had to protect them."

A good point. "True. And if you were the only one taking the risk, that'd be fine. But that wasn't an option, was it?"

Her gaze hardened. "I would not consider it a risk."

Too bad. "Unfortunately, the way SOULs work makes it pretty reasonable to disagree."

And now it was Toriel's turn to make a snide quip. "How callous."

Neat. Didn't expect that. "Yup. Physics can be kind of a dick. Sorry."

"... Language." She said, half-heartedly.

Heh. "Sorry. But uh, you see what I mean, right? There wasn't really a good solution, between the dangers of humans running loose and how many monsters were suffering under the space limits of the Barrier."

"That _fool,_ " I think I can safely describe that delivery as 'spat', "Very well could have left and destroyed the Barrier long ago."

"Maybe. If a monster with one human SOUL can actually fight off however many humans he ran into as soon as he left."

Toriel inhaled sharply. Okay, that wasn't very nice of me. But it's true. Sorry, Tori.

... so I continued the train of thought without pressing the issue. "Dunno whether two would have been enough. Or three. Even if it's exponential, there are, uh, like six billion humans out here, not to mention the kind of weapons available these days. So THAT'S a risk, too."

"It was a risk to try and leave at all." Wow, that's bitter.

But it's a valid point. "Gerson was right all along, huh?"

A blink. That seemed to surprise her. "Gerson? He is still around?"

Guess namedropping can pay off. I shrugged. "Apparently. Runs a shop in Waterfall, in the game."

"Oh my..." Huh, she can still smile despite how rough this is getting. "I shall have to visit him sometime."

But we're not done here. "I'm guessing he was one of Asgore's military advisers, right?"

That wiped the smile pretty quick. Her eyes narrowed. "... yes. And Gerson was quite upset when he was foolish enough to declare war."

"Trying to wipe out humanity wasn't a very good idea, yeah." I agreed. That part's hard to argue with. "But... if you were going to try and maximize your odds anyway... breaking the Barrier from within would allow for a surprise attack while releasing all the other monsters to further support the fight or simply escape and hide away in peace, with one mighty protector to watch over them, right?"

That uh. Look can probably be described as disgust. But she stayed silent, expression twisting in... ways I don't think I could follow properly. At length, she finally said, "Is this... the kind of advice you would give Asgore, young one?"

That wasn't a response I was expecting. "Uh, probably."

She stared for a moment longer, then... sighed? "You are... thorough. I am not certain all of that was considered when..." Goatmom trailed off, likely reminiscing about another era of conflict.

... and if I'd actually come up with something clever I could probably consider that high praise from the royal brains, but... well. It's not like I came up with half of the reasoning, and it's all theoretical at this point anyway. Unless Chara went back to act on it, I guess. And if they could have, then why did they choose this outcome...? Doesn't look like they care about Asriel as much as I'd hoped. Unless... they WANT the whole Flowey thing to happen? But why...?

Interesting.

But let's go back to the present. I've got a tough question worth asking. Probably. "I'm... guessing there wasn't too much talk about what to do before Asgore made that decision, huh?"

The wistfulness left her. "No. That pathetic whelp gave in to such foolish public hate so quickly that there was no chance to consider anything more _intelligent._ " There's the bitterness again, though I can't blame her.

And I had a feeling that factored into it. "Guess monsters can hate foreigners too, huh?"

"Foreigners...?" She puzzled over the implications for a moment, before shaking her head, looking simply... sad. "Humans have turned that hatred upon each other, have they not?"

"Always have." I quipped. Fucking politics, no matter the era. Although... "Hell, I've half a mind to ask whether different types of monsters fight each other over stupid stuff."

"Language." Damnit. Toriel's glaring again, but she did answer. "It is rare." kinda curtly, though. Not impossible... Monsters ain't perfect either, huh? "But I understand why you are so... concerned about our safety."

"To put it lightly."

A small, grim smile. "Of course. However, if you are to advise Asgore on such things... I must ask you not to encourage him to be so cruel."

Huh. Guess that's fair. But... "Hmm. I'll try, but uh.... I'm not sure I can promise anything on that. I, uh, can be more pragmatic than is... appropriate."

That. May have been the wrong answer. But at least the fierce glare went with a reasonable request: "Then I hope you do not intend to take command of his decisions."

I was definitely cowering now. "Uh. Definitely not. If I start trying to be a bossy ass--er, jerk," At least TRY to catch yourself, Jer, "Then feel free to shank me."

"Shank...?"

"Colorful term for 'kill.'"

There's that sad look again. Why's... oh. We were just talking about this, weren't we?

"So, regret trying to care about me yet?" ... that may have been my most foolish bit of snark yet.

But she just stared for a moment... and then smiled. "No. I do not. As... harsh as you can be, you have certainly shown that you care about us, have you not?"

"... I guess." I've been trying, at least...

Toriel chuckled. "Then it is only fair that I return the favor, correct?"

Fair, yes, wise... I guess we'll have to see. "Fair enough. Just, uh... don't overdo it."

That's turning more into a smirk. "I shall try. Do be good, alright?"

Ahaha, just the line I used on Frisk earlier! I slumped forward a bit, snorting and laughing for a moment, before sighing and turning back up to some startled blinking from Toriel.

Best put on the serious face again. "I'll do my best."

Toriel blinked again, smiled, and... moved in for another hug.

Ah, damnit.


	9. Where are the knives.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparations for food are begun. Well, mainly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that just kinda trudged along into happening, but a few important things got covered! Exactly what is probably obvious.

Toriel and I didn't dawdle in the attic for much longer: aside from grabbing a few more (cook)books for both of us, she asked to see the kitchen. She'd be acting as overseer there, after all, once Papyrus was ready for his spaghetti antics. Hopefully non-poisonous ones.

And that's how I led the maybe-ex-Queen of Monsters into our kitchen to explain where the spaghetti was. A decent-sized kitchen, really - the floor space was a somewhat long rectangle, split into an 'E' shape with three main sections by a series of countertops and the oven. Toriel and I entered on the side furthest from the corner of the house, a narrow bit leading to one of the room's larger windows (with a bird-feeding platform, of course) cramped by a pair of full-height storage cabinets and a second countertop for a wall-mounted flatscreen TV plus the computer it was connected to. I'm gonna have to do something about that. Hopefully Toriel won't jump on investigating on her own too eagerly.

"Hmm." Toriel said from behind me, and I turned to see her looking over the wall with the TV... in particular at the selection of decorative porcelain teapots, all bearing a matching pattern of flowers also reflected on some of the stationary-storage supplies and... well, every other porcelain container in the room. Of which there were many. "The decorations here are quite elegant." She turned away, and I stepped aside to let her put the basket of books down on the largest countertop in the room, usually used as a staging area for cooking purposes.

And compared to the child drawings on the stairs and taped-together puzzles on the attic walls, yeah, this is elegant. "Mom had a theme for the cookware a long time ago."

"Oh? It is quite pretty. What kind of flowers are those?" she asked, pointing at the pattern on the letter holder.

"No idea." Let's not suggest asking Asgore. I gave her plenty to think about for THAT mess already. "Anything you want to know about the kitchen area? What're you expecting to be using from here?" I know next to nothing about baking, after all...

But Toriel was more or less in her element. She walked to the center section of the room, an open area with easy access to the large countertop she'd left the basket of books on, the sink against the outer wall of the house, the oven nestled in the opposite countertop of the 'E' split of the room, and the refrigerator up against the middle of the 'inner' wall of the room, nestled between another countertop and our non-perishables cabinet. Toriel didn't waste much time in opening the various cupboards under the counters, taking stock of what we had available. Mom keeps a pretty generous variety of cooking equipment around, even if most of them almost never get used.

She seemed pleased by the selection. "There is quite a lot that could be done with this. Which of your family cooks, Jeremy?"

Not a question I expected... "Mom and Dad kinda do it based on who's busy and how they're feeling. Me, uh, not so much." Especially if the unwashed bowls of cereal and ramen next to the oven from the past few days are any indication.

A frown, though not a very stern one. "I hope you have been eating well on your own, then?"

I shrugged. "Well enough. Though I'm guessing you'd insist on improving it either way, huh?"

Toriel smiled. Why does she look smug? "Of course, Jeremy. We shall need to get some more noodles into that noodley body of yours, correct?"

Oh. Shitty jokes. That would be why. I groaned as she giggled, but she got to the point soon enough: "Where is the spaghetti then, young one?"

I rubbed my forehead for a moment, shook my head, and opened up the non-perishable cabinet. At least I know the answer to that one. "Right... right in here. Far upper left, if I recall right?" Yes, there they are. And the tomato paste must be in here somewhere...

Toriel retrieved them with ease, reminding me just how tall she was. At least the horns don't quite hit anything. THAT wouldn't be fun to explain. Though she wasn't especially impressed: "Store-bought, hm...? Oh well. It will do."

"Papyrus is probably used to that, if Undyne's selection is any indication." They're the cheapest, and all. Hell, we even get generic brand. Glad we at least have some, in a way...

"Undyne...? I did not know she cooked."

... probably shouldn't go into detail about that just yet. Best let her and Papyrus work out whether to address that before the in-game date without outside interference. "People gotta eat, I guess." Eating WHAT, however...

Wait. There's a thought. "Uh, question. Is... it safe for monsters to eat human food?"

She was silent for a moment. Then, quietly, "It should be. Do not worry. I will not let that harm anyone."

Food poisoning would kind of suck, yes. Though that does indicate that there's SOME sort of substantial difference. And speaking of food poisoning... "Uh... do keep an eye on Papyrus' cooking, if you can. If the game's any indication, he... doesn't have a great track record."

"Really? That is odd. Frisk said that they enjoyed his spaghetti..."

"Yeah, Frisk also goes around hugging people that tried to murder 'em." I quipped. "... I think it was Sans that wonders whether Papyrus can make edible spaghetti, to be more specific."

Toriel's eyes widened in alarm. "... that IS concerning. Very well, I shall keep an eye out."

Phew. "Thanks, Tori. Uh, anything else you need?" I probably shouldn't dawdle TOO much longer, but...

She tapped a short-clawed paw to her chin for a moment. "Hmm... I did not see any pie tins. Do you know if you have any?"

... guess I should have expected that. Though considering how Toriel making pie on the surface reminds me of the Soulless Pacifist ending where you stay with her, somehow I don't think I want to gamble on a slice of pie waking up Chara. "Well... we probably have some somewhere, but I'm not sure exactly. Don't really feel like pie, anyway."

"Oh? That is a shame. I did want to make something for Frisk for what they have done..."

That's... reasonable. And her special recipe would be the obvious solution, but... "Don't think we have any butterscotch, either." Though we probably have enough apples to make an apple pie instead... should distract her. "How about cookies, instead?"

She blinked at me twice, then shook her head. "I suppose I should not be surprised. But, cookies will do." She walked to one corner of the center of the kitchen "E" by the dishwasher and the raised platform and cabinet for cooking supplies. "I see that the flour jar is there, so I assume that... yes, here's the baking ingredients..."

That's one danger averted. "I guess you can take it from here, huh?"

Toriel pulled down some small canisters from the cabinet, already assembling the cookie ingredients. "Most likely, yes. Thank you for your help, Jeremy... ah, although, I suppose I should ask." She looked at me again and pointed at the oven. "I suppose that it is safe to use fire magic with this, is it not?"

I shoulda thought of that, too. And it's a VERY good question. "Uh, I honestly have no idea. No magic up here, remember?"

"Oh, yes." Toriel frowned in thought. "That is still very odd."

Yeah, no kidding. I could come up with a few theories, but... "Guess we'll have to wing it. But you know what you're doing, so I'm not too worried. Just, uh, don't leave the burners on or anything. A gas leak would end badly..."

"Ah... I suppose there is no place for wood here, is there?" Just what time period is this lady from...? "The last section is the dining area, correct?"

"Uh, yeah." Not much else the table would be for. Though there wouldn't really be enough space for all the monsters here... but we should have plenty of utensils. Guess I can explain that, at least. I headed over to the far end of the countertop/cabinet set on the other side of the fridge, next to the other door to the kitchen, and tapped the lower cabinet, then pulled open the drawer above it. "Plates are in here, forks are--"

And knives. Knives are also in that drawer.

Shit. I always forget something.

Toriel was understandably puzzled after I slammed the drawer closed again and took a step back, quickly checking both hands to make sure no knives had been taken and taking a mental assessment for any sign of homicidal tendencies or demonic possession.

"Er... Jeremy, are you all right?"

Okay. I'm fine, apparently. No inclination to stab anybody and I don't seem to have snuck knives anywhere they don't belong. "Uh. I'm. Alright, Tori. Just remembered something. Concerning."

Those need to not be in reach if I can help it. I don't know exactly how a genocidal Chara's possession would work, but me and Frisk are the primary candidates. And knives, well, won't exactly help. I'm a little worried about even looking at the knife rack, now...

"Is... there something else I should know about your kitchen?" Toriel asked. I looked over to confirm that yes, she seemed more puzzled and concerned than anything.

C'mon think. How can I convince her the knives need to be locked up? I mean, come to think of it, her place at Home is exactly where... oh. THAT'S why she would do it, isn't it?

"Just remembered. This place hasn't exactly been childproofed in, like, fifteen years." I gestured vaguely at where I remembered the knife rack to be, next to the breadbox above the countertop I'd just backed away from. "I'm, uh, not entirely sure it'd be safe to leave the... knives out. Considering."

And saying the word 'knives' didn't have any particular effect on me. Phew. Okay, I'm probably overreacting and not about to flip out and shank her, but still. No sense taking chances. Right? And even if I'M not a problem... Frisk might be.

Toriel did frown at the knife rack (I assume), but didn't seem completely convinced. "Hmm... I suppose. Though I am not certain why you are so concerned about Frisk, unless..." That's more of a scowl now. "I will guess that Undertale makes it possible for them to hurt themselves on that fool's gardening supplies?"

... or Chara's gardening supplies. Slash murder supplies. "Something like that, yeah." Let's count emotional self-injury here...

She sighed heavily. "Will he never learn to put those away? Very well. I suppose you have a better place to put the knives, then?"

Hmm. Well, the safest place would be... "I was thinking of locking them in the attic, actually."

Toriel raised an eyebrow. "Do you truly find that necessary?"

Drat. She caught on that my paranoia's being excessive. Uh. Think. Well, Frisk isn't the only one that shouldn't have them, and I've... ah. "I don't exactly trust myself with them right now, either." That's a pained look... has she encountered that before? Interesting. But I've got more. "Besides, I doubt Undyne would want me around them, since that's about as close as we've got to 'weapons' in the house."

Toriel frowned at me again. "You do not need to cater to her fears, Jeremy."

Haha. Yeah, no, these are MY fears, lady. And while you wouldn't be my first choice for knifekeeper... "Which is why it'd be better to put you in charge of whether I should get any for self-defense rather than letting her hide them, right?"

The pained look returned. "I... suppose that is true. Is there only the rack, then?"

"Nah, there's a bunch of steak knives in one of these," I gestured at the drawers of the refrigerator-adjacent counter, "And the butter knives might not be great, either..."

"Hmmm. In that case, may I use the basket again?" She asked, tilting her head toward the wicker basket we'd brought from the attic. "I know that you did not have many books to bring."

That sounds fair. "Sure thing." I gave the knife rack as much distance as I could and extracted the blocky textbooks I'd selected as Toriel busied herself selecting a cooking tray, placing it on the countertop next to the coffeemaker Dad sometimes uses.

... wait, that reminds me. I know we HAVE one, but... "Uh. Toriel, I don't suppose you saw where the teakettle is?" Might as well make good on getting some for Asgore...

But of course she caught on. There's Tori's eyes of steel again. "I have. I hope you do not expect me to make tea for him."

Phew. "Errr, not really. There's a faucet downstairs and he can... probably boil it on the grill or something." That's still out on the front porch, right? Eh, we'll figure something out.

Toriel pursed her lips again (still weird) but nodded and turned to retrieve a plain metal teakettle from an under-the-counter rotating storage... thing near the oven. "I suppose that is fair." 

Good thing that worked out. I didn't waste much time grabbing the attic key for Toriel and digging out the small tea variety pack left in the cupboards: I'd taken long enough chatting with Tori. Hopefully I hadn't missed anything with the rest of the crew, in the meantime.

Wouldn't that be just grand?


	10. NGAHHH!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's fishy. Trust and secrets can be a complicated thing!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Uh. It's been about two months since the last chapter, after taking a 'weekend' off to replay FF6 turning into several weeks of magicite mayhem and slowly compounding other excuses. Oops? A special thanks to a certain commentator for the gentle reminder that people do care, and a certain artist for an encouraging liveblog of the reading.
> 
> So. Thanks. Sorry. Let's go.

"You're late."

I groaned. Damnit. I did not want to run into Undyne at the bottom of the stairs, especially while balancing a teakettle and a box of tea on top of three textbooks. Her line wasn't exactly encouraging, either. Especially with that suspicious squint in her eye. Though it's a little odd she isn't looking me in the eye...?

Oh, there it is. "Hmph. What, nothing to say for yourself?"

"Not really. Uh, can I get a hand with this?" Hopefully this isn't pushing my luck...

"Where is she?" Oh. THAT'S what she's worried about. Well, at least Undyne still SOUNDS calm...

But if she wants evidence, this is something I can be a snarky jackass about. "Hey, Tori!" I called, turning my head to better carry up the stairs. "Did I turn you into a pile of dust?"

... she didn't simply holler back down from the kitchen, which is what I had expected, but a few footsteps from above and she appeared at the top of the stairs, wide-eyed. "Heavens, no! Why would you ask that... oh."

Yeah, Undyne being here would explain it. Definitely a good thing I asked Toriel to take care of the knives or she could have skewered me for making a collection. Timing is everything. Though why's Undyne back here so soon...?

"You satisfied?" Undyne asked, scowling up at Toriel. Guess they'd planned at least some of this, huh? So she came back so soon on purpose. That makes sense, actually.

"I am. Are you?" Came the cool and queenly counter. I leaned onto the wall away from their stares to adjust the book-teakettle fiasco.

Undyne glared for a moment longer, then rolled her eye and shrugged. "I guess." She focused on me again. "Jerry's no Frisk, but... guess that was a good sign." A test, then. Sounds like I passed by not being a complete jackass. Good.

"No doubt." Toriel shot back, dryly. "Send Papyrus up when he is ready to cook, will you not?"

"Tch... yeah, yeah, I hear you."

The furrier monster seemed satisfied with that, and returned to the kitchen. Undyne glared after her for a moment, then scowled at me once again.

"Well. FINE!!" Her teeth visibly sawed against each other for a moment. Yikes. "I guess you aren't in too much of a rush to hurt anyone, huh??"

Guess she's feeling a little more like herself, then. "Apparently." I managed to return. "Uh, have I missed anything?"

She blinked, then grinned a little more cheerfully. "Oh! Yeah! We met Mettaton on his way here so I brought him back."

Shit. I should have known. "Guess we better get out there, huh?"

Undyne glanced away, grin fading a little. "Er... maybe not just yet? I don't wanna interrupt Asgore's speech."

"... started without me, huh?" Now I don't have the chance to figure out what the plan was there... damnit. Not sure I should be winging social stuff, either. This is NOT my specialty.

"Hey, I said you were late!!" Undyne huffed. "And you were kinda right about Mettaton not wanting to wait."

She's got me there. Ugh. Alright, what can I do about this? "Where exactly is this? I'd like to at least, uh, listen in so I know what Asgore's covering and if there's anything I should point out."

"Like what, huh?" Quick to flip back to fierce protector mode, isn't she? Bah. 

Still, monsters definitely need someone like that to stay safe among more hostile humans, so I shouldn't exactly discourage her. "What to watch out for or avoid doing to attract attention from other humans on the surface, for one. And it'd be a bit more convincing for the viewers to hear some of it straight from the new human on the surface instead of just from the king, wouldn't it?"

Undyne stared and frowned for a moment to process that, face-fins flaring briefly before relaxing again. (Cool.) "Tch. Guess you got a point." She waved a webbed arm down the tiny hallway leading to the downstairs living room I'd first talked with her and Toriel in. "Outside down that way. Though, uh, maybe we can go around instead?"

Go around? There's a door to the yard right there. Why would... wait, there's light coming from that direction? Maybe... stage lights? Oh.

"That door's on camera, I'm guessing?"

"Yeah. Kinda rude to interrupt, right?" She grabbed the knob of the front door, conveniently right next to her. "So let's go this way."

Well... "It'd be faster to cut through the shop, actually." I said, looking at the door behind her. Though... she might not like what's in there much...

"Huh? Shop?"

"Door behind you. You uh..." Ugh. I sighed. "You should probably see it, come to think of it."

Her good eye narrowed. "Why's that, huh?"

"Pointy things that'd make bad weapons but could still be dangerous." Table saw blades are pretty unwieldy, after all. "Only fair for you to at least know about it, right?"

A pause. "Any reason you didn't mention this earlier, punk?"

"It's been kind of hectic." I replied, dryly. "You want to see it or not?"

She growled for a moment, but stepped aside to wave me to the door to the shop. "You first."

I'm fine with that. But I can't use my arms very well trying to balance all this crap... "Uh, could you take the tea stuff, at least?" I asked, while passing by.

She snatched them up obligingly, and frowned at the little novelty tea selection box. "Huh... never heard of these before."

I shrugged and maneuvered the triad of textbooks to free a hand and open the door to the shop room, before taking them in both hands again and carefully descending the two rickety homebuilt wood-and-nailed-on-carpet steps down to the concrete floor of the shop, taking a few steps into it and turning around to hold still and avoid looking threatening as Undyne looked the room over.

It was kind of a mess, though a bit less so than usual with Dad out of town. Mom probably bugged him to do a little cleaning beforehand. Still, the walls were littered with sizable wooden shelves of woodworking, metalworking, and car maintenance supplies... along with a good number of homemade props: A kite with a previous pet rabbit on it, a few small taxidermy specimens, and an Ukyo-cosplay giant spatula on the wall next to where Undyne was surveying the room from.

She narrowed her eye at something on the ceiling, a good floor-and-a half height up. "Are those spears?"

I followed her gaze. Huh, I forgot about those. "Wooden. For a play a long time ago."

Undyne frowned at the pair of 'weapons' for a moment, then reached forward with her free hand and materialized a spear of her own to compare with. "Huh. Decent size." Let's avoid voicing the genital size jokes, in the interest of self-preservation. "You any good with one?" Doubly so.

"Not really. They're basically decorative." Though if I had to they'd at least be some reach in a fight... but I'd like to think I'm clever enough to improvise something less predictable if things came to that.

She sighed. "Ugh! Boring. Though I guess the models are neat..."

I glanced up. Yeah, dad's model planes hanging on the ceiling are probably the most colorful thing here. Though I think she'd be more interested in the anime thing, so... "Or maybe the giant cosplay spatula next to you?"

Her good eye widened. "REALLY?!" She glanced over, then leaped down onto the floor of the shop for a better look. The prop wasn't exactly professional-looking, but...

"From Ranma 1/2. She's in one of the sets Alphys took from the attic, I think."

"SWEET!!" Undyne shouted. Heh... how predictable.

Oh. She remembered herself and turned to glare at me. "Wait. Don't think you can distract me that easily!!"

Yeah, this is why I'm not too scared of you. Sorry, babe. "Sorry. Thought you'd get a kick out of it."

"Well, yeah, but... oh, shut up!" She looked past me, at the table saws and other, less identifiable powered equipment. "What's the rest of this crap, anyway?"

What's the best summary for that...? "Uh, home improvement and maintenance supplies, basically? I'm not too familiar with most of it, this is mostly Dad's space."

She frowned. "And there's no way you're reaching those spears... unless... adult humans can fly?!"

Goddamnit Undyne. "No. I'd have to get a ladder."

She groaned again. "Then the heck're you so worried about?"

I raised both eyebrows. Interesting. Is she letting her guard down? "There's table saws back there. And nails in the corner." If memory serves, at least...

Undyne stared at me for a moment, eyes darting over the small variety of saws before giving me a skeptical look. "Seriously?"

... guess she didn't find them dangerous? "Well, I did say they wouldn't make good weapons..."

"THOSE AIN'T WEAPONS, NERD!" she barked, "SHEESH! You're as bad as Asgore!!"

Bad as... what? Now I'm just getting annoyed. You're the physical defender here, Undyne, playing it safe means playing keepaway with anything that can break the skin of...

... uh, wait. Ohhhh. We're talking past each other, aren't we? Monsters don't have skin the same way humans do, huh? That'd explain her annoyance at Asgore's 'no deadly spikes' proposal...

"You might be right." I admitted. "I guess I'm thinking in terms of human weapons, where having something sharp to break the skin and damage internal organs makes more of a difference than killing intent. Right?"

She blinked (winked?) at me, frowned, and approached one of the mounted circular saws, placing the teakettle on the 'table' part and pulling away the plastic safety cover to eye the blade for a moment, before whipping up a hand and--

WHOK

I jumped and yelped as she rammed her palm directly against the sawblade. Shit. Shit shit SHIT why are you hurting yourself on this are you trying to give the others an excuse to off me?!

Oh god please don't murder me. "Uh. U-Undyne. Are. You okay?"

She grinned and laughed, pulling her hand away and showing me a completely unmarked palm of scales, "Heheh! Just fine, nerd. Just trying something out."

Okay, either she's got really tough skin, or something else is going on here. Either way my heart's pounding pretty hard after that. Damnit Undyne. "Um... should I ask?"

Undyne turned the saw-rammed palm back towards her own face, flexing it into a fist for a moment as her grin faded. "... so that would've hurt a human, right?"

Ah. Okay, testing exactly what I was asking about, by example. Thank goodness whoever made that saw didn't want to be murdery with it. Or dad the last time he used it. Or... uh... jesus, how does that even work? WHY would that even work?! Fuck. Okay, later. Worry about that later. So let's think about the question, and...

Urgh. Not fun imagining a hand getting mangled doing that. "Yeah. Probably not fatal with some medical attention, but there'd be plenty of bleeding and I'm not sure the hand would be usable afterwards."

Undyne's good eye narrowed. "Just the hand...? And how much bleeding d'ya mean, nerd?"

It's probably a good thing she's considering this, I guess... "Uh. Significant? But not enough to cause any big problems with blood loss. Probably. Under normal circumstances?" I know there are people whose blood doesn't clot properly and I don't REALLY know how much damage something like that would do, but...

Fishlady seemed... disappointed by that answer. "Not like that, like... how far would it go, huh?!"

I stared. What?

She stomped a foot. "You know! Like Fist of the North Star!"

Oh. Yes, you are already dead. Memes aside, I've never actually _seen_ that series, but I do at least know that's a hyperviolent shounen, and in those... I guess I should have figured. "Not far. Uh. Blood geysers generally don't happen, actually. And when they do, it's probably fatal." Unlike hyperviolent shounen. At least sometimes.

Undyne sighed, face-fins wilting. "Damnit. Lame."

I laughed a little in nervous hysterics, realized how dangerous that would be, and tried to cover it up with a cough. "Ehahrmgh. Uh. So that in mind. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to close off this room?"

Captain Fishface was not convinced. "Uh, you saw that it couldn't hurt me, right?"

Well, yes, but... "When no one's wielding it, at least. And I know it isn't a typical weapon or really designed for fighting, but if it's something that would hurt a human, a human attacking with it would think it's more deadly, right?"

Her good eye narrowed again, fixing on me for an uncomfortably long pause. Finally, she sighed again. "Guess there's no point trying to keep secrets from you, huh?"

Guess she's starting to understand how much detail the game gives away. Good. On the other hand... "Kind of? Everything that's in the game is, uh, basically public knowledge. Exactly what that IS is probably best seen in the game itself. Still, there's plenty of holes I can only guess at, so..." I rolled a shoulder. Stupid books are starting to get heavy. "I'm not too big a fan of keeping secrets without a good reason, but I'm pretty sure the whole 'monster genocide' risk counts." Before even getting into the whole, uh, game route about that. I should be more careful with that word...

"It better." Undyne growled. Guess she isn't expecting me to even play fair towards humans, huh? Not the most self-aware person...

But whatever. "I think until we're done with the game and everything and you guys are interacting with the human public in general, what CAN be kept secret probably should be. So I'll, uh, try to restrain my curiosity."

"Curiosity, huh?" she mused, drumming her fingers on the tabesaw's surface. "Like the eye thing, right?"

Eye thing? What... oh, she's tapping at the eyepatch, right, I did mention that as something I didn't know about, didn't I? "Yeah. The game covers a lot about how to fight monsters and what's up with the Barrier, but not a lot about how monsters, uh, actually work."

"Really, huh...? Gimme some more examples then, nerd."

Damnit, why are you tempting me like this? Well, I guess it's fair for her to be fishing for information herself, but... ah, damnit. Fine. "Where do monsters come from? How old are any of you guys? How does monster aging even work? How does MAGIC even work?! How do you guys even exist?! Why haven't we even been able to detect ANYTHING about magic for four thousand years?!?!"

"Uh, Jer...?" Somehow, Undyne seemed more politely concerned about my little breakdown instead of ready to gut me.

Yerrrghk. Okay. Calm down. After the squeaking hysterical laugh at least. "Hyihiyahahah!! Er. Ugh. Sorry. Just. Nothing. About this makes sense."

Captain Fishface just frowned, fingers still drumming as I panted, leaning against one of the other workbenches. "... yeah. You aren't really what I expected, either. And if you don't even know THAT stuff... uh, maybe I shouldn't say much more, huh?"

I gave her a weak, half-hysterical chuckle. "Eyahah. Yeah. That's the ticket. Though uh. Eventually it might be a good idea to go over stuff that's common knowledge for monsters and figure out how to deal with it when humans inevitably start trying to figure things out. But again. After the game's best." I gave the other door to the shop a pointed look. "Should we get moving?"

Undyne stepped out between me and the door. "Hold it. I uh... quick question."

Now what? "Yeah?"

She seemed a little awkward, somehow. "This is, like, a place for building stuff, right?"

"Pretty much. I'm, uh, not sure now's a good time, though." What's she getting at?

"Well, yeah, but still! I mean... well, first of all, you got any spikes?"

"... uh, what?"

"SPIKES, nerd!" She cried, jabbing a finger at me. "Basic puzzle supplies! Papyrus would LOVE making something here!!"

Oh. Monsters and puzzles, right. "No spikes. Sorry. That, um, isn't exactly standard up here."

Undyne stomped a foot in frustration. "Uuugh, lame! Then what'm I gonna do about..." She trailed off, expression twisting a few times. "Uh, y'know what, never mind."

Why was she asking about puzzles for Papyrus anyway...? Maybe she's still worried about the Royal Guard Papyrus thing. Hmm. Well, rather than bring that up directly... "If you want something to keep him busy with, I did grab one of these books for him, if you'd rather be the one to present it to him."

Undyne blinked. "Wait, seriously?"

"I can at least _try_ to be considerate... it's the one on the bottom, if you're interested."

She crossed her arms with a frown. "Show me."

Guess she isn't planning on shanking me, then? Alright, sure. I put the books down on the slightly sawdusty tablesaw behind me (and ohh, my arms are happy about that), rearranging the pile to pull out the house copy of [The Way Things Work](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_Things_Work), a large but neat collection of kids-level descriptions of how things work. Or worked, in like the 90s. Outdated, to be sure, but the mix of kiddy-ness and technical detail would at least have interesting results with Papyrus. I offered it to Undyne, who snatched it away to open cautiously.

I gave her a moment to check it out, but couldn't tell what she thought about it... naturally, this led to a nervous attempt at explaining. "Most of the mammoth and caveman stuff is metaphorical and silly but I thought it'd at least be interesting to see how Paps reacts to a children's technical manual, you know?"

Her eyebrows raised for a moment. "Huh. That is kinda..." And narrowed suspiciously as she looked up at me again. "Wait, how'd you know he liked that stuff?"

Easy answer to that one, though it's as creepy as the rest of this mess. "Does Frisk?"

"... right. Stupid game." She sighed, snapping the book closed again. "Ugh!! Well, at least you're TRYING not to be a jerk..."

Guess I should take that as a compliment. Although, uh... speaking of knowing things I shouldn't. "Uh. About, er, Papyrus..."

"Or maybe not." Undyne growled.

Welp. "Sorry. The uh. Royal Guard thing is in the game, as you probably figured."

She glanced away. "... yeah." Then squinted at me again. "Then you went and convinced him getting into the guard didn't matter, huh?"

I did try to cover for her earlier, in a way... "Definitely sounded like he was more interested in the popularity than the guard specifically, so..."

"YEAH!" she cried, grinning for a moment before looking sheepish, glancing away again. "And you, uh, I mean... it's a good thing you did that, punk!!" That grin looks a little desperate...? "'cause otherwise I woulda had to, uh... beat him up for real! Yeah!"

I guess that's her roundabout way of saying 'thanks?'... "Um, you're welcome?" I ventured.

"FOR WHAT, HUH?!"

Man, she's tsundere. Let's just move on. "Nevermind. I, uh, don't intend to say anything else to Papyrus about that, though, so if you want to talk about it with him before we get there in the game..."

Another fishy glare. "Don't know when to quit, do you?"

For better or worse, Sans saying that didn't stop me, and neither will you. "Apparently not. It's... uncomfortable. I know. But I get the feeling he isn't going to miss it. And I don't think distracting him with a puzzle project to make is gonna work, either. He can be more perceptive than you'd think. But if you'd rather I talk to him instead...?"

Undyne sawed her teeth together for a moment, then sighed. "Y'know what? No. This is MY problem. I, uh, didn't want him to find out, but uh... I guess if Alphys can handle talking about that kinda thing, I... oughta be able to, too."

That's... surprisingly honest, for her. Guess my directness wore her out a bit. "Sounds like a plan. Let me know if you need any backup or anything, I guess?"

She recovered quickly, of course. "HAH! As if, nerd! C'mon, let's go see Asgore!"

"Uh, wait."

"Ugh, damnit, now what?"

The reason I wanted to show you this room, and the solution that came to mind after you brought up Papyrus. "Royal Guard or not, uh, when you talk to Papyrus... do you think his Blue Attacks would be a good way to block off the shop?"

A blink. "Huh. That... probably could work." Undyne looked me over for a moment, eyes briefly darting to the two main doors to the shop. "Just the two doors, right?"

Well... "And the window. And... now that I think of it, that wall IS hinged when Dad wants to get something big in here... this could be tougher than I thought..." I sighed. "Well, I guess we could just move a car in front of it or something."

Undyne frowned, and hopped over to (gently, thank goodness) push on the wall I'd indicated, where it rattled against the little hook holding it in place. "Huh. I wouldn't have..." She trailed off and walked back over next to the table saw, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at me for a few seconds. Just as I was about to go from 'fidgety' to 'asking if something's wrong', she chuckled. "Heh... maybe you really ARE trying to be on our side, huh?"

Um. Well, that would be part of the point, though... okay, what? That fresh grin seemed more sincere than the others. Something around the eyes... and that relaxed stance looks straight out of the end of the game's Undyne date... "Guess I don't need to worry too much about you, ya nerd!" So she's starting to trust me, then?

That... I'm... not sure that's the best idea. I had a much easier time checking out the murderous flavor text in Undertale Red by going for betrayal kills... and even if I could actually be trusted not to lose my temper with monsters that annoy me, well. I don't trust myself to avoid invoking the demon that comes when you call its name for the rest of my life, if there's anything to that twist in One By One. And if there's any, ahem, consequences to speak of that I'm in for after being responsible for the creation of a Soulless system-numbers file...

No. No, It's too early for that. To say nothing of the need for monsters to be capable of comprehending Frisk ever becoming hostile... 

So. "Be careful with that, Undyne."

"Haaa? With what?"

Damnit emotions stop making this difficult. We can worry about being worth playing friends with after Chara's in the open. Just don't meet her eyes, that makes it easier. "Uh, fully trusting humans, even if I'm trying to play nice. I mean, well... when a monster doesn't want to fight, they lower their guard, right?"

Fishlady's frowning again. "... guess it covers that much, huh?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And, uh, the way it's implemented in the game is that if you befriend a monster and then attack them, you can kill them in one hit."

She snort-laughed. "Pah!! Sure didn't work with Frisk!!"

... right, she shrugs off an attack at the end of her 'date,' whether it's fake or not. Then again, her name wasn't yellow... "Did you let your guard down before or after that hit?"

Undyne's good eye eye darted away for a moment. "Uh, where'd you get that idea?"

Hmph. "Besides, it seems like Frisk was being sincere about trying to make friends with you there. There are plenty of other humans that would probably find faking it easier than trying to take you on in a straight fight."

Another snort. "Hah! You really think it'd be THAT easy to trick me?!"

... guess she has a point. Her name is NEVER yellow. Maybe I'm reading too much into her starting to play nice... wouldn't be the first time. But... "Maybe. It's still gonna be something worth watching out for. And even if YOU never really let your guard down, the others might not be so careful."

She frowned, considering. "Mmph... yeah, maybe. Though, uh, I gotta say?" That's a glare. "You are making it REAL confusing what you want outta me. Do you want me to be suspicious of you or not?!"

I should probably get a better idea of that myself, actually. Uh... "Well... it's... less being suspicious of me NOW as being willing to be suspicious. I mean... I'm going to try not to be a threat or anything, but, uh... I don't entirely trust my... temper." Let's go with that. "Especially with Mettaton, come to think of it. It's less how much you're willing to trust me now than it is, uh, being willing to turn around and stab me if I start being a jerk despite trying to play nice. Does that make sense?"

Another pause to consider... and then a fresh tooth display, this time a little smirkier, eyes fierce without being especially kind or cruel. "You know what? It does. I think I can do that for ya, Jerry."

There. That's more like it. "Thank you. Shall we bug Asgore?"

"Heh! You bet!" A little friendlier, but I think she gets the idea now. Especially when, after grabbing the tea and Papyrus gift and turning to leave, she remembered herself and gave me a firm look again. "You first."

Heh. Good. I grabbed the remaining two textbooks to fob off on Asgore when the time was right. "Yes, ma'am."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/kudos appreciated to validate my brittle ego.
> 
> I'm using the same name on tumblr as well, if anyone cares: <http://exitfatmus.tumblr.com>


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